tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41138390229770038122024-03-13T13:54:14.003-05:00Dr. Zeek: Confessions of a self admitted Nerd GirlA self-admitted nerd, I am a newly minted TT- Assistant Professor at New Medical School far away from home trying to navigate the waters of research, funding and tenure all while trying to do some really cool science. Balancing research and life outside the lab is not as easy as I thought it would be.Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.comBlogger135125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-87459507644324145142013-08-03T21:10:00.002-05:002013-08-03T21:10:18.970-05:00I'm still here....and still surviving.....barely.<br />
<br />
I've been at TT-position for just over a year now. The tenure clock has officially started ticking and there are only two years of start-up funding left. The lab is rocking, the kinks are ironed out, the newbies are trained and it looks like I have my first official graduate student (with another hopefully coming back after two more rotations). I have lab peeps, I have science going on and I feel, at least sometimes, like I totally got this shit.<br />
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For awhile, though, this year was rough. I had a rocky start and am still finding my groove, my lab managerial style, my rhythm. I'm still trying to find it, and I am still making mistakes, but nothing that I can't recover from. I was at a 5-day intense conference last month and realized that one of my biggest problems was that I "forgot" why I was doing this all. It seems that for the last few months my driving force has been "get the data to get the grants out". I was getting so bogged down in the "grant" that I forgot about the "science". I forgot that I got into this to figure things out, to solve the puzzles, to dot he really cool science that I love so much. This is what motivates me. And by doing the really cool science, in theory, the grant(s) will follow.<br />
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I've grown a lot and changed a lot in the past year. They don't teach you the day-to-day running of the lab things in graduate school. I've made decsisions, spent a buttload of money, ordered some really cool equipment and have some really cool lab peeps working on the cool science. Even with the unbloggable lows this year, I've done pretty well. And it can only get better. The mistakes I've made (which in my mind seem pretty major) are all recoverable with some hard work and ass-busting at the bench. I'm relieved to have survived the first year, no matter if I limped along at a few points. <br />
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So, now I say, bring it on year 2, bring it on. Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-66361790703553233802013-04-05T15:57:00.001-05:002013-04-05T15:57:10.148-05:00Passing on the torch....I've been extrmely quiet, hoping that things would be easier to blog about once time has passed a bit. They aren't, but in all hoensty this one particular thing never will. A few weeks ago, we (big boss man, collegue and I) got back the comments about the paper we submitted. The one where I am coresponding author. Accept with minor revisions. I did the revisions sent them in, and word came down today that it is accepted! But, this is the most bittersweet paper acceptance ever. Big Boss Man passed away almost three weeks ago to the day. I lost a mentor, a friend and probably one of the most influential men in my life. If I learn one/tenth of what that man had forgotten, I would consider myself brilliant. He had such a love for science, and just wanted to figure things out. I deal with grief by pretending it's not there, or cracking inappropriate jokes about it. But today, seeing that paper with his name on as middle author and me as corresponding- well it was almost like closure, or passing on the torch. Mr. Dr. Zeek told me that it never stops hurting, it just stops hurting so much. Right now, though, I'll just keep thinking that the old man would have been proud.Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-61012621903323506302013-01-20T11:31:00.000-06:002013-01-20T11:31:34.174-06:00Submitted for the first time....I'm sitting in my home "office" (really nothing more than the spare bedroom with a desk in it), listening to the "The Wrath of Kahn" (Mr. Dr. Zeek happens to be watching my all time absolute favorite Star trek movie this morning) and sipping the last of the cold coffee in my mug. <br />
<br />
I have a billion things on my to do list, least of which is preparing a lecture and finalizing some papers for the seminar course I am team-teaching in. Even with the mile-long to-do list pressing down on my head, I am sitting back and basking the glow of submitting my first paper with the new address on it. <br />
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While it is work I did as a post-doc, Big Boss Man graciously stepped aside and let me take lead (last, actually, as in corresponding) author on this one. It's not the biggest deal in the world, but it is the first small step in establishing myself as an independent name in the field. Now, if reviewer three likes it we should be all good. Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-68258077144016802322012-12-07T09:32:00.002-06:002012-12-07T09:32:25.946-06:00The "quiet" life of a newly minted Asst Prof....Yes, I have been extremely quiet. I was waiting for the "new professor smell" to wear off. I was waiting for a solid few hours of alone time with which I could write a post. I was waiting for the lab drama (yes, lab drama that was no fault of my own nor of my post-doc <i>but</i> has essentially been tossed in my lap) to end. I was waiting for me to feel like I am not flying through this first semester by the skin of my teeth.<br />
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I'm still waiting.<br />
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But, I am <i>not </i>waiting for that last piece of equipment or random chemical to arrive. In fact, my post-doc and I are rocking out in the lab and things are starting to work. We have gone beyond the lab maintenance experiments and are now doing <i>actual</i> science! Which is a good thing since I have an R01 resubmission deadline looming in the horizon (March, to be exact) and need all the preliminary data we can get our grubby little hands on. My post-doc (who also happens to be one of my closest friends) has saved my life too many times to count in this place already- and I think my biggest fear may be letting her down.<br />
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Other than that, things have been interesting. I am on a search comittee this semester for an open-rank position in a diffent department (yes, it is early for me to do this, but looking at the other people on the comittee I can see that I was asked to help with...erm...diversity)--it is weird being on this side of the table. Could be that I still have deep-seeded anxiety about the entire process, but I feel a certain kinship with the applicants.<br />
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Anyway, life is good. Even with the politics, bullshit and drama that has permeated my daily life, I can still sit at the bench, play on the cool equipment that <i>we</i> wanted and got and get back to the entire reason I wanted to do this in the first place-figuring out some really cool science. And this place is starting to feel like home. Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-56748479340506909852012-07-01T11:05:00.000-05:002012-07-01T11:05:45.516-05:00Done did movedI have been awfully quiet and promise to write some new craziness about this TT-thing...but Mr. Dr. Zeek, Kitty Zeek and I have survived the cross-country move to TT-city. While we sit on lawn chairs and live out of a suitcase for two more days, I wonder what I have gotten us into. Things, folks, are bound to get hairy.....Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-7362247717787890752012-04-19T15:56:00.001-05:002012-04-19T15:56:23.501-05:00QuietI've been awfully quiet around here lately. Things have been a whirlwind. Looks like we have a house, a moving date, an OK on the start-up funds and an official start date and semi-organized sample boxes to FedEx ahead of me. Things. Are. Good. <br />
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Except, of course for trying to leave with my sanity intact. There are major unblogable things going on right now, but let us say that I have very little patience and completely sick of doing the impossible for the ungrateful. At least big boss man has been completely and totally cool.<br />
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The shitstorm is only going to get greater in the next two months before we pack up and leave. Stay tuned for more....Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-53995586290102338812012-03-06T07:59:00.001-06:002012-03-06T08:01:55.064-06:00And now the fun begins-TT- position at the med school I fell in love with and wanted to work at was offered.<br />
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TT- position has now been accepted.<br />
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Looks like I'll be an Asst. Prof come fall (or the middle of summer which is when Mr. Dr. Zeek and I will trek half-way across country to start up all over again. He's as excited as I am....).<br />
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I am scared shitless, reveling in the thought that we "have a home" to go to come this summer and panicking about all that I should be doing right now. But for a moment, I will sit back,drink my coffee and realize this is why I have worked my ass off for for the past too many years to count.Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-13058811305261985292012-02-14T15:37:00.001-06:002012-02-14T15:37:28.550-06:00Rejection letter...oh wait, you didn't send oneI don't understand why it is difficult for a university to send a quick e-mail saying "Thanks, but no thanks". Honestly, I received e-mails saying "we have received your application package" and so on and so on, but only four of the schools I've applied to have sent out rejection letters. Three schools were crossed off my list this week since I heard through the grapevine that they have already made offers (from friends who have received said offers from these schools) and I crossed off two more after I saw that they have posted their "faculty candidate seminar schedule" on their websites and my name was not on there. I just wonder how difficult it would be to send off a quick e-mail. Then maybe my heart would stop skipping a beat every time the phone rings or an alert pops up in my inbox that someone has "googled" me. <br />
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That being said, the two interviews I have gone on were fantastic. The feedback from both were extremely positive and now, I wait (again). Offers from both schools will go out at the end of the month. One more interview slated for next week (and for which I am extremely nervous about). Seriously, this job hunting thing is way more stressful than I ever thought it would be. I just want to know where (or if) I will be going somewhere soon. I wonder if this is what college football players feel like during the weeks prior to the NFL draft. Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-59321627798754576262012-01-26T14:11:00.000-06:002012-01-26T14:11:52.769-06:00Still aliveIn grant hell right now.<br />
On-site interview went swimmingly well.<br />
First phone interview resulted in an on-site interview starting next week.<br />
Another phone interview tomorrow for *gasp* a non-academic position*gasp*.<br />
Sill 24 schools that I have not heard a thing from (good or bad) via phone, e-mail or smoke signal.<br />
Cautiously optimistic at this point.<br />
Back to grant writing hell......stay tuned for more. Soon. I promise.Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-66321832822499645902012-01-11T11:58:00.001-06:002012-01-11T12:00:42.876-06:00Not so stressed?The twitch, it seemed, magically disappeared once I determined that I had purified active protein in an amount that was suitable for the scientist in my lab to do his voodoo-magic with (which, by the way need to be done soon-- the RO1 is due to the grants office in roughly two weeks).<br />
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Still, I am surprised about the lack of nervousness I am feeling. Tomorrow is my first phone interview ever and Monday I fly out to another interview at a fairly decent university (got the call yesterday). Two rejections (one via snail mail, one via e-mail) didn't even put a dent in my mood. Coupled with grant writing and general lab BS, I really thought that my brain would be toast by now and my nerves completely shot. The thought of going shopping this week for some appropriate interview clothes should be sending me in a tizzy (I hate clothes shopping- especially on a deadline). But no, not so much. I am feeling very..."meh" at this point. <br />
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At least, for right now.Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-41148996744629790962012-01-05T17:02:00.000-06:002012-01-05T17:02:15.965-06:00Twitch Part DeauxThe twitching has increased exponentially as I have received an e-mail asking for a list of time/dates that would be ideal for scheduling a phone interview for a TT- faculty position.<br />
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I'm smiling, no really. Ignore the twitch that is turning my face into a sneer. <br />
<br />
Maybe I should BoTox my eye before any on-sight interviews.....Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-33410057339200937642012-01-05T08:48:00.000-06:002012-01-05T08:48:49.213-06:00Twitch...TwitchWhen I was writing up my thesis, I was beyond stressed. Mr. Dr. Zeek and I had moved to post-doc city which was about an hour-and-a-half commute from grad school city (and hometown). No biggy, in the great grand scheme of things, until you realize that grad adviser was still having me set up experiments. I was running experiments until the week before my thesis defense. That meant a Mon-Wed-Fri or Mon-Tues-Thurs-Fri 3-hr round trip commute to grad school. This along with writing the thesis, adjusting to a new city and lab (I was unofficially working in post-doc lab before I defended) and taking care of Mr. Dr. Zeek, who had just had major surgery exactly 1 month before we moved to post-doc city, made for one stressed out soon-to-be Dr. Zeek.<br />
<br />
This went on for three months and it was three months of hell. During that time, I =had developed a "nervous" tick. My lower left eyelid would *twitch* (it's hard to describe, but I <i>could feel</i> it moving). No one could see it moving until I got really stressed. It was the most annoying thing in the world. No, wait, the vertigo that followed (another stressed-out tick?) was the worst. Thing. Ever.<br />
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After all the bullshit was over, the nervous ticks went away and I wondered how I got through those few months. I never thought I would ever be that stressed out again. Never had the twitching eye again either, or the vertigo.<br />
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Life is good, no?<br />
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That is until last week when I noticed that weird wiggly feeling in my left eye. Which has progressively been getting worse. Which has now reached the noticeable stage. Which also seems to come on stronger when I think about job applications, grant writing, failed experiments. Even the internal debate of "what am I going to make us for dinner" seems to trigger a bout of uncontrollable eye movement. Now I knew I was stressed a <i>bit</i> these last few weeks, but I didn't realize <i>how</i> stressed out I was until the eye-twitching.<br />
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As long as the vertigo doesn't come back, though, I think I'll be good. Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-38238869430345466352011-12-31T13:04:00.000-06:002011-12-31T13:04:36.290-06:00Random EncountersNew Year's Eve always holds a special place in my heart. Not because of the parties, the ball droppings and the copious amount of liquor. Mostly, it is because Mr. Dr. Zeek and I met in a random bar that we both frequented, but never on New Year's Eve. In fact, he was planning on staying home and I was planning on heading to a different locale that evening. <br />
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Fate, chance, randomness whatever you call it, threw us together that evening, sharing an ashtray, and later a shot or two, laughs and stories, at a fairly crowded bar. Since that night nine years ago, I have always had this mysterious, almost reverent respect for the things that can randomly happen on New Year's Eve. That being said, Mr. Dr. Zeek and I usually stay home, buy a bottle of cheap champagne (and some OJ for the next morning), order a pizza and watch a movie togehter. We are both past the point in our lives where we feel the need to go out, get sloshed and barely remember the evening.<br />
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Even so, I can't help get that feeling that something "magical" and big is going to happen this year. And soon. Maybe today I am feeling optimistic about the TT- applications I sent out. Maybe it's the week I have taken off from lab work and the anticipation of planning out experiments that <i>"</i>are<i> bound </i>to work<i>"</i> (famous lat words-I know) next week. Maybe it's just having too much sleep and my body copes with it the same way most people cope with too little sleep and I am hallucinating.<br />
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Whatever it is, I'm kind of digging it right now. So, I'll keep enjoying my coffee, pound away a bit on the grant and then get into comfy pjs and enjoy an evening with Mr. Dr. Zeek.<br />
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May all of you enjoy New Year's Eve (safely) however you choose to celebrate and may all your random moments and encounters turn out to be everything you hope them to be. Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-69098636058361461732011-12-22T15:41:00.002-06:002011-12-22T15:42:26.850-06:00ArghI do believe that there is a special circle of hell reserved for the people who incessantly talk to you while you are trying to pipette 2 uL of ten different components into eight PCR tubes. An even deeper level of hell exists for those who are talking about <i>numbers</i> while you are trying to keep track of which tubes you added things into by mentally counting how many times you have added the PCR buffer mix to the different tubes.<br />
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I also believe that there is a small place inside this circle for those who feel it necessary to not only prattle on but also look over your shoulder while trying to load said PCR reactions onto an agarose gel <i>and</i> comment on your technique. Especially when said cretins have never poured or run a gel in their lives.Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-70123303794841915482011-12-15T15:50:00.001-06:002011-12-15T15:50:26.489-06:00Better?Did some "reliable" experiments today. Reliable as in I know what I am doing and how to troubleshoot and fix anything weird that shows up in the assays.<br />
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Prior to today, I had been designing and doing experiments that I was not entirely comfortable with. I understood the theory behind these experiments, knew what I needed to do but, never having gotten my hands truly dirty by actually doing the harder part of there experiments, I stumbled along the way. <br />
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My psyche needed a day like today. A day where I am confident in the results. A day that yielded some usable and interesting data. A day that allows me to cross something off my list that has been looming over my head for awhile.<br />
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Not only did today help the ego, but the results from said experiments are really quite cool. Sometimes I find myself having to intersperse days like today with the "head beating against the desk" type of days or experiments just so I don't feel like a total and complete hack. Although, sometimes it backfires and the simple assays and tried-and-true experiments do not behave at all. Those are the days my boss usually walks into the lab only to find me swearing up a storm or caressing the instruments in hopes they respond to that better than my threats of violence. <strike>Those are also the days I cut out early and hit the bottle of Beam at home and try again the next day</strike>.<br />
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Semi-happy news on the job front probably helped my mood a bit. Well, OK, so still no word. But I heard from a reliable source today that one of the places where I would really like to interview at is still going through the applications. In my slightly optimistic mood, this means that I have not heard anything from them, not because I suck, but because they are still sifting through the pile. So all may not be lost.Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-28885195600520171252011-12-11T11:28:00.000-06:002011-12-11T11:28:40.138-06:00NothingIt has been nearly two months since I submitted my TT-applications to a fairly (in my mind) significant amount of schools. Most of the schools had deadlines between Oct 15 and Nov 1st. Two schools had application due dates of Dec 1st, so I understand not hearing anything more than "thank you, we have recived your application" from them. <br />
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But what about the other 25 schools? Well, I have heard from one. One. That's it. Just one.<br />
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Granted, it was a good phone call ("you have made it past our initial round of applicant screening, we would like you to have your references send us letters and phone interviews will be in early Jan"-so YAY!").<br />
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Other than that, I have heard nothing. No rejections. No interviews. No phone calls. Nothing. Is it too early to start panicking?<br />
<br />
<br />
In order to quell my rising panic and motivate my ass in the lab (so, in case nothing comes through I can at least get some more papers out the door) I was hunting on youtube and iTunes for some new music last night. I stumbled across this gem of a band. They make me happy. Very very happy.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Mwy60tJL9Ms" width="560"></iframe><br />
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And, a somewhat more "ballad" type song...<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/O2WWvoPQbDk" width="420"></iframe>Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-67288880413131829732011-09-27T15:49:00.000-05:002011-09-27T15:49:46.530-05:00Seemingly radom oscillationsI started putting together my job apps today (yes, later than I expected, but getting those papers out will surely be worth it when it comes to interview time). Anyway. I have been oscillating all day between "I can <i>so</i> do this. They'd be silly not to interview me" to "What the <i>fuck</i> am I thinking? There is no way anyone will consider hiring, let alone interviewing, me." <br />
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I cannot tell you what triggers these manic swings of emotions, only that the low end of the oscillation seems to be directly proportional to the lack of hot coffee in my mug. Maybe there is a postive correlation between caffeeine consumption and the improvement of ones self-image. Hmmm. I wonder if I could put that in my research proposal. I could then justifiy buying a fancy-smancy espresso maker and the super good coffee. Maybe even some <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kopi_Luwak">poop coffee</a>. Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-27569945469115382532011-09-25T17:52:00.000-05:002011-09-25T17:52:01.295-05:00Things I hate...Well, OK, right now let's change that to the thing I hate. Writing progress reports. I hate writing progress reports. I have added the pub list, I have the "sections" and now need to fill in all the "blah-blah" space fillers with honest to god text. Argh.<br />
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And, after just checking my e-mail, I will be able to add another thing to the things I hate. I hate collaborators who know nothing, but think they do. I hate collaborators who talk to you like you are the stupid one, who can't, after a year of discussion, understand what the basic underlying concept is and refuses to acknowledge that this is out of his realm because, really, he isn't all that smart.<br />
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And now, I feel better. After the last e-mail, I can now tackle the progress report. In hindsight, the word hate for the report was a little strong. There are things I hate so much more. Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-71236078358772374812011-09-22T09:01:00.000-05:002011-09-22T09:01:54.739-05:00Website WoesI spent all day yesterday looking at university websites, trying to find the links for faculty job positions and get organized for the big "job application marathon" I'm planning to start today. Once I found the actual job posting and requirements, I then hit all the research areas in my division to get a "feel" for the department.<br />
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27 universities and 8 hours later, all I can say is that I wish universities would spend more time and effort in making their websites a little easier to navigate. Really? I have to click 8 (yes, I counted) 8 different links to get to a single job listing? I wonder if this is how they weed out the applicants. Only those who truly want to work at this university are going to go through all this bullshit to find the job listing. Damn. Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-301030111484554362011-09-17T11:29:00.000-05:002011-09-17T11:29:48.901-05:00Damn you reviewer...wait no reviewer three?So, the reviews of my two majorly huge papers came back late yesterday afternoon (after only 5 weeks from the date of submission). There were only two reviewers for each manuscript, and they also had access to the other manuscripts (since we are proposing to publish them back-to-back) so (a) there is no reviewer three to get pissed off at and (b) the reviews are a mish-mash of comments on both papers. In essence, then, there really are four reviewers? Argh. It's confusing in my mind.<br />
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But the good news. No, the fantastic news-- accepted with minor revisions. And those revisions are <i>minor</i>. In fact, they are more well why didn't you talk about this more. Talk more (we are already at a 49-pg double-spaced manuscript people) about this. <br />
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In fact, the reviews were the huge ego boost I needed right before I started working on my job app packages. When total strangers tell you that the papers are well-written and the science is "impeccably done" and "well-executed" and even complained that because there was so much data some of it didn't get the "attention this type of work and data warrants", well that my lovelies was cause for a margarita last night. <br />
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I know, it's only a paper (well, two) getting published, it's not like I landed a job or an R01 or something along those lines. Still, there is something satisfying about seeing the work you have put your heart and soul into, work you are proud of, work that you think, while it may not revolutionize the field, has totally advanced some of the thinking, be well received.Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-25615406964669236972011-08-29T17:10:00.000-05:002011-08-29T17:10:51.047-05:00Things I Learned TodayThings I learned today:<br />
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Even at 1 mL, 240 samples is a shit-ton of samples to analyze<br />
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Gels made with water instead of buffer melt. Even if it is the fourth time you have made them today.<br />
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Having papers on hand to read doesn't actually mean you'll get to read them.<br />
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There is only so much one can do before you throw your hands in the air and plead to the science gods to have mercy. Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-22887595616372276412011-08-23T15:14:00.000-05:002011-08-23T15:14:32.124-05:00Where are the BAYBZ? Not HERE....<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:RelyOnVML/> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:DoNotShowComments/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/> <w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/> <w:OverrideTableStyleHps/> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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So, I’m <a href="http://scientopia.org/blogs/thehermitage/2011/08/22/wimminz-in-academia-now-with-100-fewer-babies-qa-hub/">a little late to the party</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s just say that <s>five</s> one too many birthday tequilas and a <s>late night early morning</s> <s>3:30 a.m</s>. conversation with my <s>partner in crime</s> fellow post-doc about the finer points of <s>banging your head against the wall</s> protein expression and PCR sub-cloning made for one <s>hungover</s> groggy Dr. Zeek this weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, in between preparing the proper bacterial sacrifice for the PCR gods and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">patiently</i> waiting for my cells to be happy and healthy enough to force them into work-horse mode before going home and curing my slight hangover with a Hawaiian pizza and a Bloody Mary, I thought I would answer the few “sans baby” questions the Hermitage sent us a long time back (yes, I procrastinate).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to tell you guys, having these panel discussions without the baby-talk makes me happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Very happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See, I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">love</i> babies; <s>I just don’t always <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">like</i> babies</s> but sometimes, just sometimes I want to scream <s>“Just because I have a uterus doesn’t mean I care!”</s> “Please no more baby talk…”<br />
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So, without further ado, Dr. Zeek’s slightly <s>warped</s> different perspective of the world of science.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">1. When you were looking for your post-doctoral position, how (if you knew) did you know that your PI would treat you fairly?</b><br />
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This is an interesting question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was switching fields when I was applying for post-docs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Same general heading but drastically different sub-heading.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So my grad school advisor had <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">no</i> idea who these people were and I had no idea what I was getting into.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So what is one to do?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suppose you could always *cough*standard answer*cough* ask the people working in the lab.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But honestly, my impression of treating someone <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fairly</i> and someone else’s perception of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fair</i> are two completely different things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, those perceptions are most likely completely different than your PI’s idea of treating <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you </i>fairly, which the biggest thing everyone needs to realize.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fair to your PI may be not requiring you to work on Sunday or having group meeting at 10:00 a.m. instead of 8:00 a.m. on Saturday morning (yes, both of these are true stories/comments said to my lab by my boss in grad school).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
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I can tell you what I did when my boss <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">did</i> treat me unfairly and how I got a little perspective on someone else’s idea of fair. My grad school <strike>adviser</strike> <s>mentor</s> <s>slave-driver</s> <s>ungrateful, unfeeling, cyborg</s> boss said something to me once that was, quite frankly unfair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See, there had been relatively few (n<2) female grad students or post-docs that had gone through his lab prior to my glorious arrival.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I noticed that he rarely raised his voice to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The other <s>indentured servants</s> grad students in the lab-oy vei.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would yell, he would raise his voice, he would call them the <s>scum of the earth</s> worst grad student in the world, he would have little vein things pop out on his forehead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was not a happy camper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And he would make his displeasure with everyone extremely and clearly well known to all the grad students in the lab.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Except for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would calmly and coolly explain that I wasn’t “quite getting it” or I wasn’t “quite working hard enough.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the kicker? I was not the <s>incredibly awesome science smacking guru I am now</s> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">best </i>grad student.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It took a few years for me to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">get it</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I would wonder why he was screaming and yelling and raising a fit about all of these people who were working harder than me, and quite frankly, were better technically than me, but not really sharing the love with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What the hell?<br />
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>About two years in, I finally got my act together, but things still weren’t working <s>with my shitty project</s> in the lab my boss and I were having a conversation about things and I said “but you never yell at me.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He looked at me point blank and said “I never yell at you because I do not want to see you cry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had a female student once that I yelled at and she ran crying from my office.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I swore that I would never yell at another girl again.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
And honestly, I was pissed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">want</i> to get yelled at. Period. But, it’s a weird situation to be in, knowing that you don’t want to get yelled at but also knowing that your boss is holding back his true opinion of you because he doesn’t want to “hurt your feelings.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All I ever wanted was for him to be honest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Honest with his impressions of my work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Honest with his impressions of me as a grad student and so on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From that point on, he and I had an understanding that he wouldn’t pull any punches but he would also not raise his voice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As soon as his voice raised a few decibels I had free reign to walk out the door and come back later on with no consequences <s>Haha..Riiiigghhtt</s>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We learned a little bit about each other’s idea of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fair</i> and I have to admit, I never did let him see me cry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that is a whole other blog post.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
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Now, I am not saying that I got what I wanted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did get his honesty, eventually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I did get his opinions of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They weren’t necessarily right nor fair (and I can say this based on what I have done since getting out of that <s>hell-hole</s> lab), but they were honest. So while I don’t have any idea as to how to you can know if your PI is going to treat you fairly or not, the main thing is to realize when you are being treated unfairly and to try to understand why.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s the first part.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perspective. Until you get the perspective, though, you can ever really change the situation.<br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">2. It seems to me that often women don't have as strong professional networks as men - the kind that gets built over shared interests (sports or drinking). People seem to gravitate towards others like them. What specific advice do you have for establishing and maintaining network with men as well as other women?</b><br />
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This one is tough for me since I have a tendency to be “one of the guys” more often than not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, I sometimes prefer the company of males to females (and yes, Mr. Dr. Zeek is cool with this).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While I do enjoy <s>more manly</s> sports and drinking (which, by the way why in the hell are these consider “shared” interests for just men?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean I know plenty men who hate football and quite a few women who love it-but I digress).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It really comes down to being yourself and being confident.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I have a secret.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get incredibly intimated when I meet the higher ups in my field.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While I am not intimidated <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">because</i> they are men, I have to admit that about 80% of them are men.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they are smart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I think in my brain “What the hell, Dr. Zeek, do you think you are doing? Don’t make eye contact, don’t smile, and don’t say anything stupid. Wait, just don’t say anything.” Then I push those thoughts aside and fake it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I smile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I look directly in their eyes when they are talking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I give them a firm handshake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is nothing more important in establishing a new connection/collaboration then exuding the confidence that you may not have yet, but should have soon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
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While faking confidence is one thing, don’t bullshit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, we have all bullshitted in our careers, but sometimes it can end up backfiring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If some smart dude/dudette starts pontificating on how Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback ever or the widget machine from so-and-so is superior from whose-its and asks for your opinion, don’t try to pull shit out of your ass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no quicker way to put a screeching halt to a budding collaboration than to basically try “lying” your way through something. Even if it is totally unimportant. They won’t trust your opinions and maybe won’t trust your science again.<br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">3. Early on, what was your "Oh Fuck" moment, how did you recover?</b><br />
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There are so many ways that this can be taken.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have “oh fuck” moments daily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those are the little ones, like “oh fuck, I added 10% instead of 1% glycerol…” or “oh fuck, this is never going to end” or “oh fuck, the grant application is due in two weeks?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What the hell?”, but my favorite is the “oh fuck, this <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">might</i> actually work….”<br />
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I am assuming that this is more of a major “Oh Fuck” moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like “I broke and NMR tube in the NMR,” or “I sucked <s>some</s> a lot of pyridine into the vacuum pump,” or “I broke the vac lines,” or “I forgot to turn the shaker back on while your super important bacteria was growing,” or “I shattered some bottles in the centrifuge and made a huge mess.” (Yes, these are all true examples of things that have happened to me or I have done.)<br />
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So, what to do?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>First own up to it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Similar to what I said above.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No lies, no excuses, no bullshit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I fucked up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, seek out the person who can help (or who is going to be the most pissed off that you screwed something up) and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">tell them</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Immediately.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do not pass go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do not collect 200$.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do not go to lunch and avoid the lab for a week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tell them, apologize and then help fix the situation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
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Listen, we all make mistakes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all have accidents, but I have a lot more respect for my undergrads who royally screw things and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">admit</i> to screwing them up than I do for those who have every excuse under the sun for why they did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It sucks, and you’ll probably be in the dog house for a bit, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">but</i> it is tons better than not admitting to your mistakes or making up excuse after excuse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only do you piss people off, but you lose their respect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that is probably the hardest thing to ever get back.<br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">4. For those of us who like things like pink, skirts, baking, sewing, knitting, heels, makeup, and other things girlie, how important is it to not do / wear / talk about these things lest we be seen as fluffy girls who can't do Science?</b><br />
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I was “anti-pink” for the longest time because I seriously thought that it made people think I was less into science, or not as good or a fluffy wittle girl who can’t hold a pipette the right way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got over that not too long ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have to keep saying in your head over and over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you are doing everything you should be, your science will speak for itself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was pretty pissed when my boss told me he put that I was “always cheerful” in my rec letter (trust me there was a lot more impressive stuff in there, but that line totally stood out to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would he have put that in there if I wasn’t a girl? Probably not, but it is also a comment on how well I play with others. The main thing is you are who you are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have tattoos, a nose ring and listen to heavy metal in the lab.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a pink laptop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I bring my boss leftover lasagna when I cook way more than Mr. Dr. Zeek and I could ever eat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do kick ass science.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am who I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I work my ass off in the lab.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get stupid shit done and do pretty fucking cool science.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People will see and notice what they want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if someone wants to ignore the awesome science and hard work and think that I am some fluffy girl who doesn’t know what to do with the business end of a pipette man, then screw them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
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So, again, my slightly warped view of my place in the world of science.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I leave you with the words of Stuart Smalley, because sometimes, we all need a boost.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
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<span><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="345" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/-DIETlxquzY" width="420"></iframe> </span><br />
Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-86616453433928270352011-07-08T12:44:00.000-05:002011-07-08T12:44:45.762-05:00All the questions you were afraid to ask...So, want to know what it is like to be an awesomely cool <i>female</i> post-doc/scientist in the craziness that is academia? Want to know all the dirty little secrets of female science professors and how crazily awesome they are? Ever wanted to raise your hand and ask some awesomely insightful questions of the panel members at a "Women in Academia" session only to be drowned out by the same old "babies, babies, babies..." talk?<br />
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Well, now is your chance. I, along with several other amazing female post-docs and professors have agreed to bare our soul and answer your questions about everything in acedamia that has to do with being a woman and exactly zero to do with babies....so <a href="http://scientopia.org/blogs/thehermitage/2011/07/07/wimminz-in-academia-now-with-100-fewer-babies-qa-open/">clicky here to post your questions.....</a><br />
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Conceived (no pun intended) and hosted by the incredibly awesome <a href="http://scientopia.org/blogs/thehermitage/">Hermitage</a>, this round of "<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://scientopia.org/blogs/thehermitage/2011/07/07/wimminz-in-academia-now-with-100-fewer-babies-qa-open/" rel="bookmark">Wimminz in Academia, now with 100% Fewer Babies Q&A" </a>should prove to be awesome indeed!</span>Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-1455954394788727242011-06-27T15:29:00.001-05:002011-06-27T15:29:54.887-05:00Grrr.....In my efforts to collect all the relevant papers/manuscripts/obscure references I need to write an -gasp-NSF proposal-gasp- on some really cool science-y stuff, I ran across my first ever "WITHDRAWN" manuscript. This is the first time a manuscript I really, really wanted (from its title at least) has been labeled withdrawn. There are big huge red letters on every page of the manuscript.... And with no explanation (or at least that I could see in the "corrections" etc.....)<br />
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Now I want to know why it was withdrawn.<br />
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And since there is no explanation, I now have this most likely unfair bias in my head about the other articles these same authors have put out. Can I trust this? Was the other paper withdrawn because of some contaminated buffers? Or was it something more sinister. Dammit. I want to know!!!!<br />
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Grrr.....Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4113839022977003812.post-91277398238653392892011-06-12T15:21:00.000-05:002011-06-12T15:21:38.866-05:00What? Four months gone?Science has gotten in the way of blogging and for awhile, life had gotten in the way of science, so of course, blogging was the first to go. Still alive. Still breathing. Still trying to do really cool science. More to follow....Dr. Zeekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06629573911979369646noreply@blogger.com0