Dr. Zeek: Confessions of a self admitted Nerd Girl

Still alive

2012-01-26T14:11:00.000-06:00

In grant hell right now.
On-site interview went swimmingly well.
First phone interview resulted in an on-site interview starting next week.
Another phone interview tomorrow for *gasp* a non-academic position*gasp*.
Sill 24 schools that I have not heard a thing from (good or bad) via phone, e-mail or smoke signal.
Cautiously optimistic at this point.
Back to grant writing hell......stay tuned for more. Soon. I promise.

Not so stressed?

2012-01-11T11:58:00.001-06:00

The twitch, it seemed, magically disappeared once I determined that I had purified active protein in an amount that was suitable for the scientist in my lab to do his voodoo-magic with (which, by the way need to be done soon-- the RO1 is due to the grants office in roughly two weeks).

Still, I am surprised about the lack of nervousness I am feeling. Tomorrow is my first phone interview ever and Monday I fly out to another interview at a fairly decent university (got the call yesterday). Two rejections (one via snail mail, one via e-mail) didn't even put a dent in my mood. Coupled with grant writing and general lab BS, I really thought that my brain would be toast by now and my nerves completely shot. The thought of going shopping this week for some appropriate interview clothes should be sending me in a tizzy (I hate clothes shopping- especially on a deadline). But no, not so much. I am feeling very..."meh" at this point.

At least, for right now.

Twitch Part Deaux

2012-01-05T17:02:00.000-06:00

The twitching has increased exponentially as I have received an e-mail asking for a list of time/dates that would be ideal for scheduling a phone interview for a TT- faculty position.

I'm smiling, no really. Ignore the twitch that is turning my face into a sneer.

Maybe I should BoTox my eye before any on-sight interviews.....

Twitch...Twitch

2012-01-05T08:48:00.000-06:00

When I was writing up my thesis, I was beyond stressed. Mr. Dr. Zeek and I had moved to post-doc city which was about an hour-and-a-half commute from grad school city (and hometown). No biggy, in the great grand scheme of things, until you realize that grad adviser was still having me set up experiments. I was running experiments until the week before my thesis defense. That meant a Mon-Wed-Fri or Mon-Tues-Thurs-Fri 3-hr round trip commute to grad school. This along with writing the thesis, adjusting to a new city and lab (I was unofficially working in post-doc lab before I defended) and taking care of Mr. Dr. Zeek, who had just had major surgery exactly 1 month before we moved to post-doc city, made for one stressed out soon-to-be Dr. Zeek.

This went on for three months and it was three months of hell. During that time, I =had developed a "nervous" tick. My lower left eyelid would *twitch* (it's hard to describe, but I could feel it moving). No one could see it moving until I got really stressed. It was the most annoying thing in the world. No, wait, the vertigo that followed (another stressed-out tick?) was the worst. Thing. Ever.

After all the bullshit was over, the nervous ticks went away and I wondered how I got through those few months. I never thought I would ever be that stressed out again. Never had the twitching eye again either, or the vertigo.

Life is good, no?

That is until last week when I noticed that weird wiggly feeling in my left eye. Which has progressively been getting worse. Which has now reached the noticeable stage. Which also seems to come on stronger when I think about job applications, grant writing, failed experiments. Even the internal debate of "what am I going to make us for dinner" seems to trigger a bout of uncontrollable eye movement. Now I knew I was stressed a bit these last few weeks, but I didn't realize how stressed out I was until the eye-twitching.

As long as the vertigo doesn't come back, though, I think I'll be good.

Random Encounters

2011-12-31T13:04:00.000-06:00

New Year's Eve always holds a special place in my heart. Not because of the parties, the ball droppings and the copious amount of liquor. Mostly, it is because Mr. Dr. Zeek and I met in a random bar that we both frequented, but never on New Year's Eve. In fact, he was planning on staying home and I was planning on heading to a different locale that evening.

Fate, chance, randomness whatever you call it, threw us together that evening, sharing an ashtray, and later a shot or two, laughs and stories, at a fairly crowded bar. Since that night nine years ago, I have always had this mysterious, almost reverent respect for the things that can randomly happen on New Year's Eve. That being said, Mr. Dr. Zeek and I usually stay home, buy a bottle of cheap champagne (and some OJ for the next morning), order a pizza and watch a movie togehter. We are both past the point in our lives where we feel the need to go out, get sloshed and barely remember the evening.

Even so, I can't help get that feeling that something "magical" and big is going to happen this year. And soon. Maybe today I am feeling optimistic about the TT- applications I sent out. Maybe it's the week I have taken off from lab work and the anticipation of planning out experiments that "are bound to work" (famous lat words-I know) next week. Maybe it's just having too much sleep and my body copes with it the same way most people cope with too little sleep and I am hallucinating.

Whatever it is, I'm kind of digging it right now. So, I'll keep enjoying my coffee, pound away a bit on the grant and then get into comfy pjs and enjoy an evening with Mr. Dr. Zeek.

May all of you enjoy New Year's Eve (safely) however you choose to celebrate and may all your random moments and encounters turn out to be everything you hope them to be.

Argh

2011-12-22T15:41:00.002-06:00

I do believe that there is a special circle of hell reserved for the people who incessantly talk to you while you are trying to pipette 2 uL of ten different components into eight PCR tubes. An even deeper level of hell exists for those who are talking about numbers while you are trying to keep track of which tubes you added things into by mentally counting how many times you have added the PCR buffer mix to the different tubes.

I also believe that there is a small place inside this circle for those who feel it necessary to not only prattle on but also look over your shoulder while trying to load said PCR reactions onto an agarose gel and comment on your technique. Especially when said cretins have never poured or run a gel in their lives.

Better?

2011-12-15T15:50:00.001-06:00

Did some "reliable" experiments today. Reliable as in I know what I am doing and how to troubleshoot and fix anything weird that shows up in the assays.

Prior to today, I had been designing and doing experiments that I was not entirely comfortable with. I understood the theory behind these experiments, knew what I needed to do but, never having gotten my hands truly dirty by actually doing the harder part of there experiments, I stumbled along the way.

My psyche needed a day like today. A day where I am confident in the results. A day that yielded some usable and interesting data. A day that allows me to cross something off my list that has been looming over my head for awhile.

Not only did today help the ego, but the results from said experiments are really quite cool. Sometimes I find myself having to intersperse days like today with the "head beating against the desk" type of days or experiments just so I don't feel like a total and complete hack. Although, sometimes it backfires and the simple assays and tried-and-true experiments do not behave at all. Those are the days my boss usually walks into the lab only to find me swearing up a storm or caressing the instruments in hopes they respond to that better than my threats of violence. ~~Those are also the days I cut out early and hit the bottle of Beam at home and try again the next day~~.

Semi-happy news on the job front probably helped my mood a bit. Well, OK, so still no word. But I heard from a reliable source today that one of the places where I would really like to interview at is still going through the applications. In my slightly optimistic mood, this means that I have not heard anything from them, not because I suck, but because they are still sifting through the pile. So all may not be lost.

Nothing

2011-12-11T11:28:00.000-06:00

It has been nearly two months since I submitted my TT-applications to a fairly (in my mind) significant amount of schools. Most of the schools had deadlines between Oct 15 and Nov 1st. Two schools had application due dates of Dec 1st, so I understand not hearing anything more than "thank you, we have recived your application" from them.

But what about the other 25 schools? Well, I have heard from one. One. That's it. Just one.

Granted, it was a good phone call ("you have made it past our initial round of applicant screening, we would like you to have your references send us letters and phone interviews will be in early Jan"-so YAY!").

Other than that, I have heard nothing. No rejections. No interviews. No phone calls. Nothing. Is it too early to start panicking?

In order to quell my rising panic and motivate my ass in the lab (so, in case nothing comes through I can at least get some more papers out the door) I was hunting on youtube and iTunes for some new music last night. I stumbled across this gem of a band. They make me happy. Very very happy.

And, a somewhat more "ballad" type song...

Seemingly radom oscillations

2011-09-27T15:49:00.000-05:00

I started putting together my job apps today (yes, later than I expected, but getting those papers out will surely be worth it when it comes to interview time). Anyway. I have been oscillating all day between "I can so do this. They'd be silly not to interview me" to "What the fuck am I thinking? There is no way anyone will consider hiring, let alone interviewing, me."

I cannot tell you what triggers these manic swings of emotions, only that the low end of the oscillation seems to be directly proportional to the lack of hot coffee in my mug. Maybe there is a postive correlation between caffeeine consumption and the improvement of ones self-image. Hmmm. I wonder if I could put that in my research proposal. I could then justifiy buying a fancy-smancy espresso maker and the super good coffee. Maybe even some poop coffee.

Things I hate...

2011-09-25T17:52:00.000-05:00

Well, OK, right now let's change that to the thing I hate. Writing progress reports. I hate writing progress reports. I have added the pub list, I have the "sections" and now need to fill in all the "blah-blah" space fillers with honest to god text. Argh.

And, after just checking my e-mail, I will be able to add another thing to the things I hate. I hate collaborators who know nothing, but think they do. I hate collaborators who talk to you like you are the stupid one, who can't, after a year of discussion, understand what the basic underlying concept is and refuses to acknowledge that this is out of his realm because, really, he isn't all that smart.

And now, I feel better. After the last e-mail, I can now tackle the progress report. In hindsight, the word hate for the report was a little strong. There are things I hate so much more.

Website Woes

2011-09-22T09:01:00.000-05:00

I spent all day yesterday looking at university websites, trying to find the links for faculty job positions and get organized for the big "job application marathon" I'm planning to start today. Once I found the actual job posting and requirements, I then hit all the research areas in my division to get a "feel" for the department.

27 universities and 8 hours later, all I can say is that I wish universities would spend more time and effort in making their websites a little easier to navigate. Really? I have to click 8 (yes, I counted) 8 different links to get to a single job listing? I wonder if this is how they weed out the applicants. Only those who truly want to work at this university are going to go through all this bullshit to find the job listing. Damn.

Damn you reviewer...wait no reviewer three?

2011-09-17T11:29:00.000-05:00

So, the reviews of my two majorly huge papers came back late yesterday afternoon (after only 5 weeks from the date of submission). There were only two reviewers for each manuscript, and they also had access to the other manuscripts (since we are proposing to publish them back-to-back) so (a) there is no reviewer three to get pissed off at and (b) the reviews are a mish-mash of comments on both papers. In essence, then, there really are four reviewers? Argh. It's confusing in my mind.

But the good news. No, the fantastic news-- accepted with minor revisions. And those revisions are minor. In fact, they are more well why didn't you talk about this more. Talk more (we are already at a 49-pg double-spaced manuscript people) about this.

In fact, the reviews were the huge ego boost I needed right before I started working on my job app packages. When total strangers tell you that the papers are well-written and the science is "impeccably done" and "well-executed" and even complained that because there was so much data some of it didn't get the "attention this type of work and data warrants", well that my lovelies was cause for a margarita last night.

I know, it's only a paper (well, two) getting published, it's not like I landed a job or an R01 or something along those lines. Still, there is something satisfying about seeing the work you have put your heart and soul into, work you are proud of, work that you think, while it may not revolutionize the field, has totally advanced some of the thinking, be well received.

Things I Learned Today

2011-08-29T17:10:00.000-05:00

Things I learned today:

Even at 1 mL, 240 samples is a shit-ton of samples to analyze

Gels made with water instead of buffer melt. Even if it is the fourth time you have made them today.

Having papers on hand to read doesn't actually mean you'll get to read them.

There is only so much one can do before you throw your hands in the air and plead to the science gods to have mercy.

Where are the BAYBZ? Not HERE....

2011-08-23T15:14:00.000-05:00

So, I’m a little late to the party. Let’s just say that ~~five~~ one too many birthday tequilas and a ~~late night early morning~~ ~~3:30 a.m~~. conversation with my ~~partner in crime~~ fellow post-doc about the finer points of ~~banging your head against the wall~~ protein expression and PCR sub-cloning made for one ~~hungover~~ groggy Dr. Zeek this weekend. But, in between preparing the proper bacterial sacrifice for the PCR gods and patiently waiting for my cells to be happy and healthy enough to force them into work-horse mode before going home and curing my slight hangover with a Hawaiian pizza and a Bloody Mary, I thought I would answer the few “sans baby” questions the Hermitage sent us a long time back (yes, I procrastinate). I have to tell you guys, having these panel discussions without the baby-talk makes me happy. Very happy. See, I love babies; ~~I just don’t always like babies~~ but sometimes, just sometimes I want to scream ~~“Just because I have a uterus doesn’t mean I care!”~~ “Please no more baby talk…”

So, without further ado, Dr. Zeek’s slightly ~~warped~~ different perspective of the world of science.

1. When you were looking for your post-doctoral position, how (if you knew) did you know that your PI would treat you fairly?

This is an interesting question. I was switching fields when I was applying for post-docs. Same general heading but drastically different sub-heading. So my grad school advisor had no idea who these people were and I had no idea what I was getting into. So what is one to do? I suppose you could always *cough*standard answer*cough* ask the people working in the lab. But honestly, my impression of treating someone fairly and someone else’s perception of fair are two completely different things. And, those perceptions are most likely completely different than your PI’s idea of treating you fairly, which the biggest thing everyone needs to realize. Fair to your PI may be not requiring you to work on Sunday or having group meeting at 10:00 a.m. instead of 8:00 a.m. on Saturday morning (yes, both of these are true stories/comments said to my lab by my boss in grad school).

I can tell you what I did when my boss did treat me unfairly and how I got a little perspective on someone else’s idea of fair. My grad school ~~adviser~~ ~~mentor~~ ~~slave-driver~~ ~~ungrateful, unfeeling, cyborg~~ boss said something to me once that was, quite frankly unfair. See, there had been relatively few (n<2) female grad students or post-docs that had gone through his lab prior to my glorious arrival. I noticed that he rarely raised his voice to me. The other ~~indentured servants~~ grad students in the lab-oy vei. He would yell, he would raise his voice, he would call them the ~~scum of the earth~~ worst grad student in the world, he would have little vein things pop out on his forehead. He was not a happy camper. And he would make his displeasure with everyone extremely and clearly well known to all the grad students in the lab. Except for me. He would calmly and coolly explain that I wasn’t “quite getting it” or I wasn’t “quite working hard enough.” And the kicker? I was not the ~~incredibly awesome science smacking guru I am now~~ best grad student. It took a few years for me to get it. So I would wonder why he was screaming and yelling and raising a fit about all of these people who were working harder than me, and quite frankly, were better technically than me, but not really sharing the love with me. What the hell?

About two years in, I finally got my act together, but things still weren’t working ~~with my shitty project~~ in the lab my boss and I were having a conversation about things and I said “but you never yell at me.” He looked at me point blank and said “I never yell at you because I do not want to see you cry. I had a female student once that I yelled at and she ran crying from my office. I swore that I would never yell at another girl again.”
And honestly, I was pissed. I didn’t want to get yelled at. Period. But, it’s a weird situation to be in, knowing that you don’t want to get yelled at but also knowing that your boss is holding back his true opinion of you because he doesn’t want to “hurt your feelings.” All I ever wanted was for him to be honest. Honest with his impressions of my work. Honest with his impressions of me as a grad student and so on. From that point on, he and I had an understanding that he wouldn’t pull any punches but he would also not raise his voice. As soon as his voice raised a few decibels I had free reign to walk out the door and come back later on with no consequences ~~Haha..Riiiigghhtt~~. We learned a little bit about each other’s idea of fair and I have to admit, I never did let him see me cry. But that is a whole other blog post.

Now, I am not saying that I got what I wanted. I did get his honesty, eventually. And I did get his opinions of me. They weren’t necessarily right nor fair (and I can say this based on what I have done since getting out of that ~~hell-hole~~ lab), but they were honest. So while I don’t have any idea as to how to you can know if your PI is going to treat you fairly or not, the main thing is to realize when you are being treated unfairly and to try to understand why. That’s the first part. Perspective. Until you get the perspective, though, you can ever really change the situation.

2. It seems to me that often women don't have as strong professional networks as men - the kind that gets built over shared interests (sports or drinking). People seem to gravitate towards others like them. What specific advice do you have for establishing and maintaining network with men as well as other women?

This one is tough for me since I have a tendency to be “one of the guys” more often than not. In fact, I sometimes prefer the company of males to females (and yes, Mr. Dr. Zeek is cool with this). While I do enjoy ~~more manly~~ sports and drinking (which, by the way why in the hell are these consider “shared” interests for just men? I mean I know plenty men who hate football and quite a few women who love it-but I digress). It really comes down to being yourself and being confident. Now I have a secret. I get incredibly intimated when I meet the higher ups in my field. While I am not intimidated because they are men, I have to admit that about 80% of them are men. And they are smart. And I think in my brain “What the hell, Dr. Zeek, do you think you are doing? Don’t make eye contact, don’t smile, and don’t say anything stupid. Wait, just don’t say anything.” Then I push those thoughts aside and fake it. I smile. I look directly in their eyes when they are talking. I give them a firm handshake. There is nothing more important in establishing a new connection/collaboration then exuding the confidence that you may not have yet, but should have soon.

While faking confidence is one thing, don’t bullshit. I mean, we have all bullshitted in our careers, but sometimes it can end up backfiring. If some smart dude/dudette starts pontificating on how Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback ever or the widget machine from so-and-so is superior from whose-its and asks for your opinion, don’t try to pull shit out of your ass. There is no quicker way to put a screeching halt to a budding collaboration than to basically try “lying” your way through something. Even if it is totally unimportant. They won’t trust your opinions and maybe won’t trust your science again.

3. Early on, what was your "Oh Fuck" moment, how did you recover?

There are so many ways that this can be taken. I have “oh fuck” moments daily. Those are the little ones, like “oh fuck, I added 10% instead of 1% glycerol…” or “oh fuck, this is never going to end” or “oh fuck, the grant application is due in two weeks? What the hell?”, but my favorite is the “oh fuck, this might actually work….”

I am assuming that this is more of a major “Oh Fuck” moment. Like “I broke and NMR tube in the NMR,” or “I sucked ~~some~~ a lot of pyridine into the vacuum pump,” or “I broke the vac lines,” or “I forgot to turn the shaker back on while your super important bacteria was growing,” or “I shattered some bottles in the centrifuge and made a huge mess.” (Yes, these are all true examples of things that have happened to me or I have done.)

So, what to do? First own up to it. Similar to what I said above. No lies, no excuses, no bullshit. Yes, I fucked up. In fact, seek out the person who can help (or who is going to be the most pissed off that you screwed something up) and tell them. Immediately. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200$. Do not go to lunch and avoid the lab for a week. Tell them, apologize and then help fix the situation.

Listen, we all make mistakes. We all have accidents, but I have a lot more respect for my undergrads who royally screw things and admit to screwing them up than I do for those who have every excuse under the sun for why they did. It sucks, and you’ll probably be in the dog house for a bit, but it is tons better than not admitting to your mistakes or making up excuse after excuse. Not only do you piss people off, but you lose their respect. And that is probably the hardest thing to ever get back.

4. For those of us who like things like pink, skirts, baking, sewing, knitting, heels, makeup, and other things girlie, how important is it to not do / wear / talk about these things lest we be seen as fluffy girls who can't do Science?

I was “anti-pink” for the longest time because I seriously thought that it made people think I was less into science, or not as good or a fluffy wittle girl who can’t hold a pipette the right way. I got over that not too long ago. You have to keep saying in your head over and over. If you are doing everything you should be, your science will speak for itself. I was pretty pissed when my boss told me he put that I was “always cheerful” in my rec letter (trust me there was a lot more impressive stuff in there, but that line totally stood out to me. Would he have put that in there if I wasn’t a girl? Probably not, but it is also a comment on how well I play with others. The main thing is you are who you are. I have tattoos, a nose ring and listen to heavy metal in the lab. I have a pink laptop. I bring my boss leftover lasagna when I cook way more than Mr. Dr. Zeek and I could ever eat. I do kick ass science. I am who I am. I work my ass off in the lab. I get stupid shit done and do pretty fucking cool science. People will see and notice what they want. And if someone wants to ignore the awesome science and hard work and think that I am some fluffy girl who doesn’t know what to do with the business end of a pipette man, then screw them.

So, again, my slightly warped view of my place in the world of science. I leave you with the words of Stuart Smalley, because sometimes, we all need a boost.

All the questions you were afraid to ask...

2011-07-08T12:44:00.000-05:00

So, want to know what it is like to be an awesomely cool female post-doc/scientist in the craziness that is academia? Want to know all the dirty little secrets of female science professors and how crazily awesome they are? Ever wanted to raise your hand and ask some awesomely insightful questions of the panel members at a "Women in Academia" session only to be drowned out by the same old "babies, babies, babies..." talk?

Well, now is your chance. I, along with several other amazing female post-docs and professors have agreed to bare our soul and answer your questions about everything in acedamia that has to do with being a woman and exactly zero to do with babies....so clicky here to post your questions.....

Conceived (no pun intended) and hosted by the incredibly awesome Hermitage, this round of "Wimminz in Academia, now with 100% Fewer Babies Q&A" should prove to be awesome indeed!

Grrr.....

2011-06-27T15:29:00.001-05:00

In my efforts to collect all the relevant papers/manuscripts/obscure references I need to write an -gasp-NSF proposal-gasp- on some really cool science-y stuff, I ran across my first ever "WITHDRAWN" manuscript. This is the first time a manuscript I really, really wanted (from its title at least) has been labeled withdrawn. There are big huge red letters on every page of the manuscript.... And with no explanation (or at least that I could see in the "corrections" etc.....)

Now I want to know why it was withdrawn.

And since there is no explanation, I now have this most likely unfair bias in my head about the other articles these same authors have put out. Can I trust this? Was the other paper withdrawn because of some contaminated buffers? Or was it something more sinister. Dammit. I want to know!!!!

Grrr.....

What? Four months gone?

2011-06-12T15:21:00.000-05:00

Science has gotten in the way of blogging and for awhile, life had gotten in the way of science, so of course, blogging was the first to go. Still alive. Still breathing. Still trying to do really cool science. More to follow....

Put a fork in me....

2011-02-14T08:26:00.000-06:00

I'm done.

One of the things I have learned from my husband is adaptability and the ability to handle whatever life throws at me without having major meltdowns. But this morning-everything just seems to be too much.

It could be that I am stressed out and Mr. Dr. Zeek is stressed out making my main support network/cheerleader obsolete at the moment.

It could also be that I was in work mode all weekend since we hosted the speaker giving the colloquium seminar today which meant being in lab all day yesterday talking about my data and his data and how we can collaborate and the what not. This also included going to a nice dinner on Saturday night with him, big boss man and collaborator from not so far away. And today, more of the same. Hosting the "student" lunch, going to the seminar, going to dinner with him and a few other PIs. While I feel fantastic about our conversations and the fact that I have quite possibly forged a new alliance, I did not decompress at all this weekend. Being a slight introvert, I do need some time away from people to figure out what is going on.

It could also that I still have these two manuscripts sitting on my desk right now, needing to be written. It is not the writing that's hard, it is the analysis.Or maybe that I have three undergrads this semester--one of which I cannot trust to make media. Or that big boss man may add another undergrad this summer, but to do that he needs a scholarship which means I have to write a detailed training plan for him by Thursday. It could also be that I agreed to take on a side project on something I have never worked with before using equipment I have only read about in books. It could really be that I have not learned to say no.

Or it could be that I have decided to write the K99 (thanks CPP for the advice) even though I am still waiting to hear from my F32 PO.

It could also be that my little POS car, which had been in the shop twice now in the past two weeks for a gas inlet valve replacement and then for a major gas leak, is now leaking oil like a sieve and is undriveable. And that Mr. Dr. Zeek yelled at me yesterday about it, wondering why things only go wrong with the car when I drive it. Like it was my fault.

It could be to that Mr. Dr. Zeek has a Dr. appointment this morning (which he is not going to be pleased with when he finds out what time I made it for) and is worried that he may need to go back in for major surgery.

It could also be that my sister just had a fairly hard break-up and my mom is calling extremely concerned about her well-being, which means I have to take the concerned, empathetic role. Even though, honestly, it is just not in me today. It could be a lot of things. Normally, I just put on the big girl panties, suck it up, and keep going. Things could be so much worse than they are right now. I just do better when it is one or the other-work or home--not when both the major components in my life seem to be sucking at my soul.

Maybe things will look brighter after another cup of coffee.

To K99 or to not K99....

2011-02-06T12:15:00.000-06:00

So, here is the question, write and submit the damn thing or focus on getting out papers etc. in the next 6 months.

A little added info-- I was planning on starting to apply this coming fall/January to start in summer of 2012.
Applying to/shooting for a mid-tier research institute (ok, so MIT and Harvard are not in my cards, but I don't want to end up at small tiny university in Podunk, USA if I don't have to- big boss man agrees that I can hack a second tier research institute and is fully supportive of this career move. God knows he has seen enough of us coming through to know if you have the shit needed to be successful or not).
As of September 2012, I will am 5 years our from my defense, so no longer eligible for the K99
I currently and in the second year (started year two in Dec 2010) of a three year F32 (YAY!)
I have 4 first author papers out, two that I am writing now and three more that need to be written up in the next six months (minor experiments need to be finished)-I am also middle author on three papers right now from our collaborator's. That number may increase
I don't do "Glamor Mag" science--I mean the science, technical merit, caliber of the actual work is worthy of Glamor Mag status but the topic- not so much. I am a basic science research sort of person. While what I do is important and there is a HUGE interest in it, it is not generally thought of as Scieney paper stuff-which is common in my subset of the broad sweeping category of Chemical Biology. I am OK with that, though.
Sometimes, when you look at my CV, I look like the jack of all trades (and I feel like the mistress of none sometimes)--I switched fields (big switch) coming into my post-doc, but I can apply some of the techniques I used in grad school which is useful
Recommendations will be great. And right now, I am working for one of the biggest names in the field at a highly ranked research university-so I have that going for me.

So, do I take the chance and "waste" my time writing one of these (especially knowing I heave a bit of a deadline for a resubmission etc. to stay qualified) or should I just pound out the papers and hope I look good enough on paper to the search committees. Any clues/help/advice would help at this point. My boss looks at the K99 as an "meh-no biggy- let me see the papers" sort of thing but I worry he might be a tad old school. So, feel free to discuss below. I'll tell you later in the comments which way I am leaning......

sigh

2011-01-20T09:58:00.001-06:00

And collaborator is late. No surprise there. This should be interesting, folks.

On a side note, I saw a moped getting towed from our parking lot this morning. Wait, read that sentence again. A moped. On a tow truck. A big tow truck. Weird.

Survived

2011-01-11T10:56:00.000-06:00

So we all survived the conference. And a great one it was at that. Mr. Dr. Zeek of course enjoyed the locale (who wouldn't-leaving places snowy and cold for warm sandy beaches?) as did I (or at least the little bit that I could enjoy of it). I even had someone ask me to send them my CV and preliminary info since their university is starting a job search soon.

Big Boss Man commented to me yesterday how I was hitting everyone up to find out if they were hiring or not. Really, it wasn't exactly like that, but people do know that I will be officially entering the market this fall. Which, according to Big Boss Man, sounds like great timing. That is, of course, if I sit my ass in the chair and write these two manuscripts.

There seems to be another rumble looming on the horizon, this time with close working collaborator. I have said it before and I will say it again, it sucks when you have to treat you collaborator as a competitor. We have a mini-meeting coming up to "discuss" the three manuscripts (two are "mine", one "his") that are so closely related it would be silly not to put them in the same journal or try for a back-to-back submission to "Great Journal Everyone Reads But Has Low Impact Factor". Or at least that was my assumption. While I understand as a PI you need to look out for number one (namely yourself as the tenure clock is ticking) throwing every post-doc, graduate student and member of the community who is trying to help under the bus is NOT a good way to get to where you are going. After talking to a few people at the conference, the general unsolicited opinion of said collaborator is not so hot (mind you, I kept my mouth shut and took it all in). Maybe I need to distance myself as soon as possible?

So, in spirit of our mini-meeting next week, I have been listening to my favorite Social Distortion song which seems to sum things up quite nicely.

And the weeks marched on...

2010-12-29T11:54:00.000-06:00

Alright-it has been awhile since I posted. Rest assure it has been a busy month in the Dr, Zeek household. In the last four weeks:

my laptop melt-down resulted in a complete wipe and reinstall (thank the gods we had carbonite installed)
all the experiments I needed for the poster for the upcoming conference worked about two weeks before I needed to start putting everything together--so there was a massive push to analyze the data
then, a really bad cold knocked me on my ass for a few days a week before christmas
which resulted in my stressing
which resulted in stress-induced muscle spasms in my lower back--no relief except laying flat on my back in bed. It is hard to work on a poster when laying in bed.
resulting in more stress--and the viscous cycle continued until I finally went to the doctor for some muscle relaxers
which resulted in family Christmas festivities in a somewhat drug-induced haze and still no poster (which needed to be printed by today at the latest)
which resulted in a marathon illustrator/photoshop session (12 hrs on the 26th and 12 hrs on the 27th) and a beautiful poster to print yesterday
and a corrupted illustrator poster file
which resulted in few panicky tears. 4 hrs later the amazing IT/media center people printed my poster

It has been a rough few weeks, but the poster is printed, the holidays are almost over and we fly out to places warmer for the conference on Sunday. I almost cannot wait to get back from the conference so I can put my life back to some semblance of normalcy. Oh, wait, the weekend after we get back is Mr. Dr. Zeek's surprise birthday party. Then maybe some normalcy?

Bad planning....

2010-11-22T07:55:00.000-06:00

Shit. The two key things I need to run the short experiments this week will not get here in time (even though I ordered them early last week). One will show up late today and one late tomorrow. I realized while walking to the bus stop this morning that I am out of both of the key things needed-basically screwing up the routine/schedule I had formulated in my brain before I finally fell asleep last night. I hate when the things I plan to do don't get done. Damn. damn. damn.

While during a "normal" work-week, this would pose little problems since I would have multiple, multi-day experiments starting/running. Alas, the shortened work-week though has put a huge monkey-wrench in the plans. (and while this may make me a horrible scientist-I am not working on Thanksgiving--Mr. Dr. Zeek and I have plans to visit family and goddammit I want to watch me some football-St. Kern will be pissed....)

With only a month before I have to have my poster printed for the conference in Jan, I am freaking out a tad. I suppose I should go over those damn papers again and start doing some of the figures/general things for the poster. Damn. Damn. damn.

WTF....

2010-11-19T16:46:00.000-06:00

I just ran across a paper that contradicts a whole slew of things/experiments I have seen/done with this project. I *know* my data is right (excluding that little snafu before).

Wait, let me explain. We do NOT see what they are seeing. We see the exact polar opposite. As in a yes/no. There is no gray area in this one. I would be worried if someone else in "our" lab(s) haven't had seen the same thing, so at least we are self-consistent. But WTF?

And this is not something you can hand-wave away with "it's from a different source" crap. And it doesn't make sense. So now I wonder if I can "trust" the rest of the stuff in the paper which really sucks because, well, it's a cool paper and I thought would be useful for the discussion. I guess not.

Damn. What a way to end the week....

PS-blog post theme for next week- just because it is published (or in this case written in a patent) doesn't mean it works....or how I spent the past two months beating my head against the wall....

Paper push

2010-11-07T09:17:00.000-06:00

So right now there is a huge push to get three manuscripts out the door by the end of the year (two of which I am first author on so no pawning it off on anyone else). On top of getting more than "preliminary" data for an upcoming conference in January.

Therefore, Dr. Zeek needs some new music for her iPod. Any suggestions*? I have been obsessively listening to Mumford and Sons lately, although now I am getting a tad bored with the album (and I have a tendency to do that--listen over and over to an album till my brain turns to mush). I need things that I can rock out to in and out of the lab and have no problems listening to Metallica (old-school---not the new crap off of "St. Anger") while I am writing a paper**.

As an indicator of what I like- my iPod has almost everything that I can find from Social Distortion, Eve 6, Led Zeppelin***, Buckcherry and a hodgepodge of Motley Crue, Guns N Roses and the whatnot.

So, any new bands you cannot stop listening to? Send them my way. It is going to be a long winter.

*and if anyone suggests Lady Gaga, I do believe that I will suggest they be drawn and quartered (I understand-Buckcherry in comparison is not the greatest). Not my cup of tea.

**For some reason, this absolutely stunned my collaborator. He, on the other hand needs complete silence or some mamsy-pansy classical or Kenny G going on to write. Please, listening to that while pounding through data analysis would compel me to stab my ear drums out with a dull pencil.

***I do believe that "Led Zeppelin II" is one of my favorite albums- I even thoroughly enjoy "coda"

Data woes

2010-10-22T16:08:00.000-05:00

Things I learned about MY data today while trying to troubleshoot my friends data:

multiplying by 1243.27 is not the same as multiplying by 124.327
milli means a 10^-3 multiplication, not 10^-2
combining these two mistakes into one cell calculation means that all of my data is off by two orders of magnitude
using this cell (cut and paste, drag and drop) for all the other calculations means that all the data in the sheet are off by two orders of magnitude
copying this cell into two other sheets means that all of that data is off two orders of magnitude as well

The good news- the data is not published yet. The not great news-- I have made a table of these results and have sent them around to the other collaborators and to my PI. My PI used the data in a talk he gave in July. My boss will probably think that I am a big, huge fucking idiot....wait, I am a big fucking huge idiot.

Even crappier news-- I had my friend in the other lab trying to figure out why she was getting results that were two orders of magnitude lower. So because of my stupidity and lack of calculating/checking formulas ability I made her doubt was she was doing.

It has been a shitty week. I have decided that either I am never going to do an excel formula calculation again OR I am going to write the formula by hand in every cell.

I feel like an idiot.
A big one.
Huge.

I just want to go home....

And the cloud has lifted....

2010-10-21T09:43:00.000-05:00

Mr. Dr. Zeek and I have had a fairly major issue/problem in hometown city that we have been dealing with since we moved to post-doc city more than three years ago. It has been ongoing and, while not putting a strain on our marriage, has caused numerous stress-induced discussions, tears and frustration.

We have almost always been on the same page as how to proceed, what actions to take and how to deal with this problem. At the beginning of the year, we both had decided to throw in the towel, stop fighting and say enough is enough (with the problem, not the marriage--).

As of today, it is done. The problem is no longer there. It's over. Finished. While somewhat anticlimactic, there is a huge weight gone right now.

Sorry for being so cryptic, just know that there will be much celebration in the Dr. Zeek household tonight.

Pissing and moaning...

2010-10-18T17:15:00.000-05:00

It always seems like I am posting things when nothing is going right, when I am down in the dumps, when I want to scream in frustration. So, as a change of pace I decided to post a good thing or two. For the past few months nothing has been working. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero.

But I kept plugging along-and seriously, boys and girls- when it rains it pours. It seems like the three main points of the project are working. All at once. In the span of three days, I had data in hand that was (a) clean (b) relevant and (c) pretty fucking cool. That was about a week ago. Now on to finishing it all up. So good news on the lab front.

I still need to wean my new undergrad from asking me "Is this mixed?" I think tomorrow her and I will spend some quality time together where I will teach her the finer points of making a homogeneous mixture and properly reading the level of solution in a graduated cylinder. I may even use a sciencey-term or two. With everything going on and struggling to get the preliminary data for an abstract for a conference (due in two weeks)- methinks I have been neglecting her a bit.

So, a happy Dr. Zeek will go home, watch some football (eh, maybe-doesn't seem like a "thrilling" game tonight) and relax in the new king-size bed Mr. Dr. Zeek and I just purchased. I didn't realize how small our old bed was until I slept the whole night through without Mr. Dr. Zeek's elbow in my eyeball.

Dear Mother Nature...

2010-10-10T10:41:00.001-05:00

I thought we had an understanding. After the first frost of the year, you would stop with the pollen, ragweed and all the other nasty, but necessary, crap that puts me in allergy hell. Last week, you decided to give us our first taste of fall- with not one but two nights of frost. I was happy-no, I was thrilled. I thought--no more sneezing, no more allergies. On top of that, I thoroughly enjoy fall. I enjoy being outside in jeans and a sweatshirt, I love cuddling up at night under my blanket as the temperatures dip below 35 degrees. I truly do.

But today, Mother Nature, I woke up to a beautifully sunshiny morning. 65 degrees at 7:30 am (and why I am awake at 7:30 am on a Sunday is another story entirely). OK, so not entirely "fall" weather in almost the middle of October, but I can handle that. What I can't handle is the sudden onset of some of the most severe allergies I have ever had. And only on one side of my face. And the itching. It is extremely annoying to have only one nostril completely plugged up and one eye constantly watering/puffy and swollen. I fear doing any delicate work in the lab today because the sudden, violent uncontrollable sneezing attacks could cause me to stab my eye with a pipette or spew snot into my bacterial cultures. Why did the frost not take care of this? Why, Mother Nature, do you feel the need to torture me like this?

So, I beg of you, Mother Nature, please go back to your normally scheduled programing and give me fall back. With all the frosty nights you can. Teasing me like this is just mean. I would like to be able to breathe normally and not carry around wads of Kleenex with me wherever I go and and not have people treating me like a leper because it is not allergy season and they all assume I have some super-cold.

I promise that if you do this for me I will not bitch when the first snowfall comes.

A stuffy miserable Dr. Zeek--

Up for air...

2010-10-05T11:38:00.000-05:00

I have been extremely quiet because, well, I have been extremely busy. No shit, eh? Who isn't. But writing four (yes, four) recomendation letters, a progress report for my fellowship, a section of the NIH grant our lab is submitting in a few weeks and keeping my noobie and not so noobie-undergrads in line these past three weeks has done little for my sanity, let alone for my progress. That, coupled with the stomach ulcer diagnosis, finding out I was highly intolerant to penicillin (the hard way), a two week round of tetracycline/some other antibiotic and a four day treatment for a yeast infection (and not necessarily just where you were thinking-- ever have a fuzzy, yellowish-tongue? ya, not fun to say the least) has left me tired, worn-out and crabby. I have been short with everyone at work lately. I just want to be left alone to run some experiments. Let me surround myself with bacteria and proteins and assays. Let me delve into the piles of data and make some sense of it all.

I am an introvert who plays an extrovert on TV. I need to recharge if I have had people around me all day long. Interaction with people all day is not in any way restorative to me, it's just plain draining. I am perfectly content without talking to anyone all day long-I do not need to be the center of attention and quite frankly, it makes me uncomfortable if too many people are staring at me/putting me on the spot at one time. Things like that make me break out into a cold sweat. When my mom and mother-in-law threw a wedding shower for me, I absolutely dreaded it. I did not want to sit on chair in front of everyone and open presents, or give a toast or anything like that. The wedding was the same way. Since we got married in a very public place, there were a lot of people there who stopped to watch. It was, probably, one of the most uncomfortable things for me.

So, you are probably thinking "Uh, Dr. Zeek, that does not bode well for your career as a scientist. How can you give talks at meetings and stuff?" Well, here is the thing, when I give a talk it is not Dr. Zeek giving the talk, but Dr. Zeek the Scientist giving the talk. Wait, let me explain. I was into drama big time in high school. I loved being in character on the stage. Why? Because I was no longer me-geeky, nerdy high school student- I was some other person. And I loved it. I didn't mind being on stage having everyone stare at me, hang on every word because I was no longer me, I was "cowgirl #2" (when we did Oklahoma) or bitchy "Aunt Jenny" (from I Remember Mamma). It was the same sort of thing when I was a bartender. No longer was I the somewhat awkward nerd trying to get through college, I was "the sweet-flirty bartender". I played a role. And it made me money. I quickly learned that I was great in front of a "crowd"--weather it be acting, behind the bar, or giving a talk as long as I treated it as a "role", rather than just being myself up there. As long as I don't have to play the role of "myself" then I find that the panicky feelings go away and I am confident, smooth and totally at ease.

When I give a talk, I am no longer Dr. Zeek, the go to person in the lab who can never say no. I am now "Dr. Zeek the Scientist" and it works. Now, mind you, I don't completely loose my personality, my wit, charm, grace (wait, grace I can't loose because I don't have to begin with), but I just throw all that into playing the role as the scientist giving a talk. I can play the role well. Now, does that make me a fraud?

Shhhhh.....

2010-09-14T15:46:00.001-05:00

Telling me that you were trashed this weekend with your parents does not increase my somewhat iffy-opinion of you. Sitting here during our hour-long incubation time, laughing out loud (literally) at every text, new face book message and e-mail really does nothing for my opinion either, especially when you decide to tell me what the who the person is, what the person said, the back story behind the comment and why it is funny..... Nor does the discussion on you and your boyfriend. Really, I understand that this is the first time you have worked in a "real" lab- but I am not here to entertain. I am not here just for you. I do need to get other things done in the lab today--besides baby-sitting you the whole time. Running over to my iPod every time you hear a good song to see who sings it while in the middle of weighing something or pippetting some solutions (which, in all honesty, need to be somewhat precise) pushes my opinion in the opposite way. It is now nearly 4:00 and I have gotten nothing of my own stuff done. Grrrr....

Mini-meltdown....

2010-08-27T14:01:00.000-05:00

I had a mini-meltdown this week. Not a full-blown panic attack, but definitely a meltdown where I nearly curled up in the fetal position in the corner of the lab, wishing I could be swallowed up by the few cracks in the floor. It was a shit week with shit results and shitty people draining all my emotional energy.

I was/am toast at this point. It was one of those weeks where, excited to be back in the lab after my week long vacation, I started some new cool experiments, did some housekeeping on other experiments (i.e. made new cells for a protein prep for next week) and all in all tried to get back on track.

Well, peeps, it is Friday and it seemed that everything I touched this week either blew-up (not literally, of course) in my face, showed the exact opposite trends from previous experiments, didn't dissolve, didn't behave, didn't survive, didn't like the conditions I was running, didn't keep the pH (goddamn phosphate buffer) and all in all conspired to send me to the brink of despair.

I know. I know. It was only a week- but shit, a year from now I will be applying for TT-positions. 1 year. That's 12 months. 365 days. 8760 hrs. 525,600 minutes.... In fact, I lost about ten of those minutes just sitting here writing this post.

Things need to start working again. Or at least work as well as they did two months ago. My to do list is way way way to fucking long for routine things like this not to work. I cannot afford this right now. Maybe I shouldn't have taken vacation. The biochemistry gods are looking down in disapproval, and hence have sent their evil minions to come and terrorize my experiments this week. That must be it.

Hodgepodge

2010-08-22T10:07:00.001-05:00

So, today marks the end of a week long "staycation" (which, in my humble opinion is the stupidest sounding thing in the world-but eh...). Mr. Dr. Zeek and I did a whole lot of nothing this past week (major exceptions being cleaning out the closets and heading to hometown city for a day-more on that in a minute)- and the van is still in the shop. The dealer forgot to inform us that they are closed both Saturday and Sunday- so no picking up the van till tomorrow. Which means leaving work in the middle of the afternoon to pick up the van...

The trip to hometown city (which normally isn't blog worthy since we usually head down once every few months-- it is less that a two-hour drive away from post-doc city) was great. Little sister is starting college in a week (yes, we are a "blended" family and yes-dong the math there is 12 years between the two of us). The fact that she is going to go where I went for undergrad (a very small liberal arts college in hometown city) makes me doubly excited. Of course she is freaking out, so big sister to the rescue, I decided to take her around campus for a bit, introduce her to some of the professors, show her where classes are, just all around try to make her feel more at ease.

Now, mind you, I graduated in almost 10 years ago (oh mylanta I feel old) so imagine my surprise, when walking around, that the professors and such remembered me without me having to explain what classes they had me for, etc. It made me feel good and set little sister at ease a bit more-knowing that these people actually care enough to remember people, to know things, etc. The worst part for her, though, will be the killer general chemistry class (which kicked my ass when I was there) considering she had never had chemistry in her life (no shit! I know!). She was assured by one of my favorite professors (now dean of arts and sciences) that he will do everything in his power to help her past and to find the people she needs to know to help her get through the class. All in all, I think she feels a bit better about the whole thing. And it put a smile on my face.

We went to a church festival that night. I miss church festivals. There are no church festivals out here in post-doc cities. Where else can you drink cheap beer, listen to awesome cover bands and all around have a great time on a Friday night?

Oh yeah. One other minor thing. Today is my birthday. No big plans. No big anything really. Honestly, Mr. Dr. Zeek is leaving everything up to me (i.e. do you want to go to dinner? do you want to go do something?). Now, after 5 years of being married and 7 years of being together, I would think that he would know what I like to do and would just plan something. Would just say get ready honey and get in the car. It is weird saying OK I want to go here and here and here and here. Mr Dr. Zeek is a huge "homebody" too, so he isn't thrilled on going out a lot, so yeah....I have a feeling this is going to totally just be another day. On a related note, I have had 15 "happy birthdays" on Facebook already (yes, I have a Facebook account. Facebook is the devil.). Weird, because in all sincerity I think Facebook has made us even lazier than email has. No more stamps, no more pondering over a card, and even no more thinking/trying to come up with a little sweet message to send via email. Nope. Facebook even reminds you of upcoming birthdays, click on the link and there you go-- deposit birthday greetings at will. Now honestly, I enjoy the sentiment and everything- but really, it loses some of the charm, some of the sincerity, knowing that someone had put in the effort to send their birthday greetings.

So, yeah. Tomorrow back to work. Cannot wait to get back to the lab.

The Joy of...

2010-08-18T12:25:00.001-05:00

owning a POS van.

Estimated cost of break job- $1100 (that would be for a full break job including the replacement of a master cylinder that was replaced only TWO YEARS AGO!)

Shit. Shit. Shit.

What wonderful news to hear on vacation. Thankfully, though, we are on vacation so not having a car for a few days is no big thing...Is it too early to crack a beer? I am on vacation after all. Did I mention I was on vacation?

Mine....

2010-08-03T16:58:00.000-05:00

Dear Frantic Collaborator-

The experiment design and idea was mine. While I do admit it is extremely cool and applicable to the other systems you are studying, this is mine. Just because we collaborate on one project does not mean you can use my work/labor/everything else for the other things you look at. I wouldn't have even thought I would have to explain this to you. I do not work for you, and such, the things I do/ideas I come up with are not fair game for your other projects-especially when you have no intention on putting me on those papers with the other system. You barely know what the acronym of the technique stands for, let alone how to do the fucking experiments. This is mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Hands off. This is twice now where you have suggested and commented about putting things in your grant/papers based on my stuff that HASN'T BEEN PUBLISHED YET! You can reference the papers once they are out just like everyone else.

I understand that when you took the job at semi-cool university that you blabbed about how "we" (I) was going to do this and everyone there got all excited about things and wanted to help-- but this WAS NOT your project to take. I understand you needed some sort of validation/common-ground/ass-kissing way to get in good with the people down there (who, by the way fucktard-were my committee members when I was in grad school in case you forgot docuhebag- and with whom I have a good relationship with)--but to try to screw your collaborators because you are realizing how cool this thing *may* be (who knows, it may not even work--it is a total hero(1) experiment) and how you now want in on it makes you an asshat. You didn't realize how cool it was until you started running your mouth about my shit to everyone else...

Remember. I. Do. Not. Work. For. You. And using my friendship with your post-doc is a shitty, shady-cowardly backhanded way to try to get what you want. Neither of us are stupid, which you would realize if you got your head out of your ass- and know when someone is trying to play us.

So. Mine. Mine. Mine. At least grow some balls and talk to me again (for the third time) about this. Oh wait, you must realize you don't have a fucking leg to stand on....

Fuck you very much.
No love
Me

Dear Post-doc friend--
We are and will always be more than OK. No worries. Ever. I don't mean to be pissed and I hope that you realize that I do not define you and other shit by your boss--who is an assmonkey. Thank you for telling me things, thank you for being there, but most of all--thank you for looking out for me and my ass down there and being the best friend I have ever had. I am sorry you are in such a shitty situation and I am even more pissed that your boss has decided to "use" our friendship. I will do everything I can to help you in the next few months, but Fuck him. Come work for me when I get my TT-job. Either that or we can run to an island with our respective significant others and open up a bar. I'm flexible like that.

Thank you again--
Forever in your debt
Dr. Zeek....

(1) Hero experiments: Experiments that, if they work, make you a hero and that, if fail miserably, you never tell anyone you ran.

Pet peeves (or things that have royally pissed me off today)....

2010-08-02T21:08:00.000-05:00

If you e-mail me with a question about MFP and what MFP I have in stock that you may "desperately need" please have the courtesy to answer/respond to my e-mail-- even if it is just a "Thanks. I'll let you know." Really, is it that hard to hit "reply"?
On a similar note- if you mark something urgent, I treat it as urgent, drop everything and get back to you as soon as possible. This is your stuff, your inquiries, your bullshit. If I can take the five minutes out of my busy day to figure something out for you and give you several options as to how to proceed, waiting >36 hrs to get back to me on how you want things done does not seem all that urgent to me.
Paper-grubbing- watching me set-up an experiment for all of five minutes (because you are "training" me) does not mean you get your name on my fucking paper.
Nor do I need your help designing or interpretating data from said experiment. If I need the help, I'll ask someone besides you.
I do not care that your reaction didn't work. I do not care about the nitty-gritty details of what you are doing, mostly because when the question is reciprocated you cut me off with some ADD tangent.
Please do not assume that I am a complete idiot. A minor idiot, OK, but treating me as a complete and total...as in how do you get dressed in the morning idiot...I can do without. And, by the way, just because I have a uterus does not mean that "it's my time of the month" because I got pissy with you for being a complete and total jackass.
Just because I have a uterus does not mean that I care that your kids went to the dentist and have no cavities. That does not make you a good mother. Watching your kids run up and down the hallways of the lab screaming like the devil's spawn that they are does not make you a good mother. bringing them to the lab does not make you a good mother. Making them sit in front of a computer and play games while you "work" or leaving them at home would maybe, possibly make you a better mother.
Experiments do not always work--they don't. It happens. I do not need your help troubleshooting the experiment. In fact, I really don't even want to talk about it. I have several ideas as to how to fix things. I do not need your help, especially since you ahve never, ever done these things before. Please, also see #6.
If I am talking on my cell phone it is either (a) really important or (b) Mr. Dr. Zeek trying to figure out what time I am coming home so we can have dinner together. You do not need to sit in my lab, listen to my conversation and then comment on it after I hang up. Especially if you have come into my lab to tell me about #5 or #6.
Please, for the love of God and all things holy, do not tell me that smoking is bad for me. No shit? Really? Please get off of your sanctimonious high-horse and stop telling me that everything I am doing is unhealthy, yadda-yadda while you munch on your BigMac, super-sized fries and slurp down your Coke. I would have to have lived under a rock not to know that smoking is a horrible, awful habit that is not only destroying my health but makes me "unattractive" (yes, that is what was said) Do I smoke near you? Around you? No. You have to smell it on me when you come in my lab? Then please, don't come in.
Talking to someone while they are pipetting multiple things into a reaction cocktail mix is just cruel. Continuing to talk after the cry of "Ah, Fuck. I already added that" is just plain mean.
When I say "I don't care" I really do mean "I don't care". You will not be able to convince me otherwise.

Today sucked. Sucked my soul dry. Tomorrow I just want to shut my door and run some experiments. It can't be worse than today, right? I am just so frustrated. It is bad enough that my enzyme is not behaving, but throw people into it and now things went from bad to unbearable. It took all my willpower not to go screaming down the hall I don't care! I don't care. No really. I don't.

I have not had enough "down-time," away from people, conversations, etc. As much of an extrovert I can be (or at least come off as--those silly tests always told me I was an introvert), most of the time it is forced extrovertisim. I need time away from people to recharge-otherwise I get like this-where everything and anything pisses me off..... This weekend Mr. Dr. Zeek and I have no plans, no work, no anything. We are locking the doors, taking the phone off the hook and not talking to anyone but each other.

EDIT: I just downloaded some Buckcherry, 90's alternative and all around lab rocking music for tomorrow. It seemed to help a bit.....

No place like home...

2010-07-24T09:31:00.000-05:00

I am home. The conference was absolutely amazing! Five days of intense science, schmoozing and incredible sessions really made me get excited about things again. (and completely and totally exhausted) I made some new friends, found some collaborators (although really, there are already 4 of them, do I really need more?), and all in all had a fantastic time. It was a highly productive meeting. My poster was well received and I had gotten a few suggestions for experiments which may help clarify things in the end. I think my liver may be a bit unhappy with me right now, but a few dry days may help that out.

At one point, I was sitting at dinner with Big Boss Man and several of the pioneers in the field. We were talking about kids and grad school and things like that. I looked around the table and realized that these are all "normal" (I use the term loosely) people who have normal lives and are just a bit geekier/nerdier then the rest of the general population. I think I will fit in just fine.

I think the funniest part of the conference for me was having the image of people in my head completely shattered. I do believe that there was not one person there that I had "pictured" correctly in my brain. I am not one of those people who google-stalk someone, so when reading papers I do tend to formulate a picture in my brain of Dr. So-and-so and tend to see them bent over the bench with a gilson in hand. Yup. Not one of those images was right.

I have to admit, there were times where I almost had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. This conference to me was like a bunch of high school girls meeting Zak Effrom or something. Sitting on the porch in a rocking chair with some of the big names in science, listening to their stories about being in Big Boss Man's lab 20-30 yrs ago was almost surreal.

I am just glad to be home. Five days is a long time. It also made me realize how much I need to up my game. And soon. Monday, in fact. Operation take the field by storm is now in effect.

Finished

2010-07-15T09:47:00.000-05:00

The poster is finally done and printed. It doesn't look half-bad and really, using Illustrator wasn't as ~~mind-numbingly awful~~ bad as I thought it would be. There were only a few times where I was ~~ready to toss the laptop out the 3rd floor window~~ a tad frustrated. I just realized, though, that there is a lot of data on the poster. But it is what it is and no way to change things now.

So, the poster is done, Big Boss Man's talk is finished (and saved on two different thumb drives and on the laptop-just in case) and the realization that we are leaving on Sunday is starting to sink in. Even though I am only giving a poster, I am still as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Could be because Big Boss Man has forewarned me that he will lob all questions from his talk to me .

There are a lot of big names in the field that are going to be there-people who are going to review my papers, and someday soon, my grants. I have to admit that my boss is absolutely fantastic about "putting me out there" and I am looking at this conference as not only a way to see some really cool science, but to network the hell out of people. They won't know what hit them.

I am leaving Mr. Dr. Zeek at home for this one (the next conference in January he will be tagging along--more to enjoy the sunshine and warm weather than anything else) and he commented yesterday that this will be the longest that we have been apart since we moved in together almost 6 yrs ago. Maybe that is adding to my nerves a bit. That and I hate- no detest- flying. Not so much the flying, but the taking off and landing is really a problem for me.

The bitch that I am....

2010-06-27T13:02:00.000-05:00

Sundays in the lab are my few hours of escape. I don't come in for a full eight hour day- more like two or three hours-- but it is enough to save me a day or two of frantically running around like a chicken with my head cut off during the week. I usually do a few transformations and some plating, some cleaning, some planning for the week, some catching up in the lab notebook. Nothing too serious (as in a full day of assays), but enough that I can hit the ground running on Monday morning.

I love Sundays in the lab. Why, you may ask? Because it is quiet. Because no one is here. Sure, Big Boss Man may pop in to check his e-mail or to work on a grant or something (since he lacks the modern convenience of having the internet at home) and the research scientist who drives me crazy during the week is usually holed-up in her office searching the internet for the latest-greatest ways to rear her spawn-but for the most part I can sneak in, close the lab/office door and work in silence (OK, silence as in no one bothering me--Metallica and Hinder are still playing away on the iPod). Sundays are my days to recharge.

I can normally play nicey-nice and smile and are helpful and great to talk to, but I harbor a deep, dark secret. If I don't get some downtime away from people, away from being on my game, I will totally and completely loose my shit. I need that downtime where I don't have to put in the effort to carry on a conversation with anyone. I have noticed that if I am severely lacking in that "me time", its a struggle for me to not look at someone and tell them point blank "I don't give a flying fuck." when on a normal day I don't mind hearing about their latest escapades, or the fact that your child is teething or they can go "poopy and pee-pee in the potty" (yes, this is how the 40-year old woman talks to me) or that you can afford to have the windows redone in your house.

Well, folks, it seems that today is not my Sunday. I came in a few hours ago made the coffee and settled in for a few hour incubation that would leave me free to start working on my poster and such. The tunes were going, the floor was deserted and Dr. Zeek was happy. Until the phone rang. Our new visiting scientist wanted to come in to set-up a column today to save himself some time. No problem, I can set you up a bit. That was two hours ago. Where is the soap? Where is the gradient maker? Where is this? That? How is this? How is that? Can you help me set this up? I don't mind, really--and I am trying not to be a bitch-but I guess I feel like one. Yes, I will set up the column for you. Need some tubing? No problem. Mop for the flood? Sure, here it is...AGGHGHGHGHGHGHHHH...

This, my friends is bad enough. Then, crazy research scientist comes in and starts telling me how I am setting everything up wrong. Snide comments about how she wouldn't have done things this way or that way. The other RS just sat there and watched. I made it clear that he could do it anyway he wants. She of course wants to redo the set-up for him- he is perfectly content leaving thigns the way they are since I appear to know what I am doing. Then the "conversation" begins--and I quickly dart out the door.

Of course, the conversation between the two of them--of which I have NO involvement in- then moves to my lab. Not that they don't have their own lab or anything- I just think they couldn't stand the thought of me sitting in my lab by myself on a Sunday, enjoying the solitude.

Now normally, I give two shits and cheerily carry on a conversation. But today, it's hard. Not even hard-down-right frustrating. It is Sunday, and I hold my Sundays sacred.

Looks like my two hours is turning into six since I do have some things I need to get done and now I feel like a bitch.

Poster Virgin...

2010-06-25T12:12:00.000-05:00

Things have been crazy here. Beyond crazy. Downright chaotic. Between the wedding (and all the various drama that goes along with standing up as a bridesmaid), the following nearly week-long intercontinental pow-wow with our collaborators here at post-doc university and getting the visiting professor/research scientist up to speed on my project and what he will be doing this summer-I have had little time to breathe, let alone blog.

I finished the initial drafting of the PPT slides for Big Boss Man's upcoming talk at the conference we are going to go to in July and decided to start working on my poster.

That is when it hit me. In all of my academic career, I have never, ever had to make a poster. Ever. Including undergrad- that's nearly 13 years of advanced education. I am a poster virgin.

Not that I have never attended a conference before- but I have always opted to give a short talk instead of laboring over the intricacies of PhotoShop and Illustrator (and by now I am a PowerPoint whiz-not that it is that difficult to master). I like giving talks. I enjoy standing in front of a crowd and putting my "Dr. Zeek. Woman of Science-" hat on. Could be that all those years in theater and drama in high school have finally paid off, because not only do I love to give talks, but I am fairly good at it as well.

But today, I must embark on a new adventure, expand my horizons, explore uncharted territory, fumble through vector-based vs. bitmap-based drawings and figures and schemes, much like the kid in the backseat trying to clumsily unhook a bra for the first time. Hopefully, I can avoid all the pitfalls that seem to plague the n00b posters.

May the PhotoShop gods smile kindly on me and, as always, any advice, tips and truly horrific stories are always welcomed.

Trust me.

2010-05-25T13:32:00.000-05:00

After a freak storm this morning (which was impressive to watch from my third-floor lab window) and a two-second (literally, the lights flickered-no computer nor clock reset) power outage, the air compressor and extremely important piece of equipment went out. Fixed important equipment, fixed air compressor.

Did I mention that the air-con in the building also went out? Did I also mention that, due to air-flow/circulation in the building, the windows in every lab and office are covered with storm windows screwed into the concrete that cannot be opened? Did I also mention that an 80 degree lab is more unbearable than the 90 degree weather outside?

Really, it is. Trust me.

And turning off the fluorescent lights in the lab-while conserving energy-doesn't do much for the overall temperature in the lab. I would be working from the confines of home right now if the silly bacteria would grow....

Did I also mention that a highly humid lab is not conducive for weighing out LB media? Really. Trust me on this one.

8-12...

2010-05-14T08:23:00.000-05:00

The satellite company we have is coming to upgrade our satellite boxes this morning. Not that we couldn't do it, but the logistics of shipping us the new boxes and shipping back the old ones is a nightmare-therefore having them come and install them would be easier.

Or so I thought.

Being the one with a more flexible schedule, I told Mr. Dr. Zeek that I would stay home this morning and wait for them to come. Running out the door this morning at 7:30, Mr. Dr. Zeek called over his shoulder, "The appointment is for sometime between 8-12."

Wait. What? A four-hour window? They cannot narrow it down farther than that? I am chained to the house, and the phone, for four hr? And, the really cool thing, if you miss their phone call (they call you as they are leaving their last job), the put you at the end of the cue and go to the next place. I am afraid to even go to the bathroom right now for fear of missing a phone call or the doorbell ringing. I wonder if I can pull the four-hour window for meetings with Big Boss Man or my undergrads. Yep, Big Boss Man, we can meet to talk about very important manuscript tomorrow, say sometime between 12:00 and 4:00. Just wait for me in your office.

Somehow I don't think that would go over so well.

A letter to my next-door neighboor...

2010-05-02T09:00:00.000-05:00

Dear ass-hat-

Could you please refrain from using any power-tools before, let's say 9:00 am, on a Sunday morning? Starting your power-sander thing outside my window at 7:30 am on a Sunday morning is not conducive for anything but pissing me the fuck off. I understand that you are busy and may need to get some stuff around the house done, but seriously dude, WTF? I was up till 3:30 last night working on some cool ass science, and four hours of sleep is going to make me one cranky mofo. I mean really, 7:30? On a freaking Sunday.

And, if you were only going to sand-whatever-the-fuck you are for 30 min and then start packing everything up, could you not have waited until a reasonable hour? Really, douchebag, you never show any fucking common courtesy, I understand that and should expect no less from you, but since I have been sitting on the porch with my coffee for the past 30 min (since, for some silly reason-I couldn't get back to sleep with all the buzzing and the whirring and the general cacophony coming from your backyard) you have talked on the phone, paced around, and not done anything but glare my way. Thank you for the wonderful wake-up call. You are right, I had things to do today, so what is an extra hour of sleep anyways, ass-munch.

No love me.

Dear Mr. Dr. Zeek-
Damn you for being able to sleep through a fucking tornado.
I expect a nice dinner tonight.
You sleep-deprived wife...

6 minutes (UPDATED)

2010-04-28T09:55:00.002-05:00

Supposedly, frantic collaborator will be in my lab in 6 minutes. We have a ton of data to talk about--let's see how this goes....

UPDATE: So, frantic collaborator just left. Twas not so terribly bad. But, I find it amusing when he focuses on a piece of data that I thought was only so-so in importance and blew by my "really cool thing" piece of data. Ah well, I can't fault him for that.

TIme to get down and dirty...

2010-04-25T09:29:00.001-05:00

There was an interesting post in the blog sphere a few weeks ago (which I can't seem to find at the moment) about when you know it's time to start writing up a manuscript. If you have read any of my last blog post, you know that I have been frantically trying to finish data for not one, but two manuscripts which Big Boss Man wants to submit to somewhat impressive (at least in the broad definition of our field journal) back-to-back, which hopefully will be published back-to-back-to-back* with the manuscript from frantic collaborator since all three papers deal with the same enzyme.

Last week I finished** the data for manuscript #2 and have just a few more experiments for manuscript #3 which can easily be finished in the early part of next week. I have been reading and reading and reading in the down time between experiments and have most of the background/intro already formulated in my brain.

So, how do I know it's time to sit down and write these damn papers? Because they are all I have been thinking about. On the bus, in the shower, laying in bed at night, even during conversations over lunch. When it becomes obsessive and all I can think about, then it is time to purge my brain onto the paper.

One small problem, though, which is keeping me from sitting down with the laptop is that I need to come up with the models, derive the equations and do the data fitting. Not that I mind, in fact this is one of the reasons why I choose this field. There is something so elegant and extremely satisfying when your model and therefore the system can be described by simple mathematical equations. Show me the numbers. Even so, the task is somewhat daunting and sometimes my intuitive sense for what is going to work does not work. While frustrating in the beginning and sometimes slow to get going, it is my favorite part of the whole thing.

While I am by no means one of the great writers of the century, I do enjoy writing manuscripts (even though I curse myself and the data and all while doing so.) It is my chance to put my spin on things. I like hunting through the literature to see if there is any scrap of previously published data that may further support our claims, I love making sure all the pieces of the puzzle fit together. Maybe I am a closet masochist.

So, today on this wonderful glorious, rainy cold Sunday, I will embark on the model-making and the equation deriving armed only with a legal pad, a pot of coffee, a pencil, my data and my worn copy of Segel's Rapid equilibrium system. I hope to make it through relatively unscathed, but I know that tears, frustrations, and such are inevitable. As long as I can get all this craziness out of my head and onto the paper, though, it is worth it.

*This was something that he (Big Boss Man) and others did in the early days--while frowned upon now, I think that he may have enough pull with the editor's to push this through this way. It's not that the papers wouldn't stand up on their own, more that they tell three highly intertwined stories, but as one massive paper we are looking at around 30 pages in the journal....

**Finished is a highly relative term- finished in that I can tell the story without resorting to major, major hand-waving--although each experiment brings up several new questions, as some point I have to draw a line for these things-they are already going to be the manuscripts from hell to write--a ton of data with a ton of side-stories, etc.

Interesting...

2010-04-23T08:56:00.000-05:00

Interesting choice for a first-round draft pick.

Although, I have to admit that (a) we sorely need an offensive line that will keep Aaron Rodgers off his ass all season and (b) Bulaga already has the Midwest, corn-feed look. God, he is big!

By the way, what is it with the gold/diamond encrusted watches? Holy shit, I don't think I have ever seen that much bling on anyone. Maybe I should have tried to play football in high school and college. Oh, wait...that's right...never mind.

Unfortunately I will be missing round 2 and 3 tonight. Have tickets to go see "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" tonight. Cannot wait!

An open letter...

2010-04-21T15:14:00.000-05:00

An open letter to my frantic collaborator...

I did not realize that writing a, say two-line e-mail, giving a status update on the current project was that difficult. I am not asking for an in-depth, detailed analysis of the latest super-cool new data, just a quick note so I know that (a) you are getting my e-mail(s) (b) my e-mail(s) has(have) reminded you that I still haven't gotten the new data and (c) you are still actually living and breathing and making some sort of progress. Far be it from me, a lowly post-doc, to expect a response from you, all revered and venerated 2nd-year professor, and I grovel at your feet to be asking for you for such acknowledgment that you have received my unimportant e-mail. I cry your pardon as I remind you that two years ago you were in my shoes, in fact you had trained me before ascending to the higher levels of the ivory tower from where you now look down on me as nothing more than a minor nuisance.

Please remember that, in all truthfulness, one of the few reasons you currently hold an assistant professorship and I am a lowly post-doc is that you are four years older than me and started this whole game sooner. While I appreciate any scrap of data, attention or praise you throw my way, please refrain from coloring all your statements with derogatory terms and statements directed at me and my boss, who I might add was kind enough to put you as a co-PI on his really big grant which supports the work on the project for which I am begging you send the data from.

If you can find the time in your incredibly busy schedule (what with all the students and exams-the whole 3 of them-you have to mark) and general professorship-like duties, could you just send me an e-mail saying the "data is on its way" or something along those lines so when Big Boss man asks me about it, I (and you) don't look like a bumbling idiot.

The more I hear, the less I am liking you. After this grant is over, I don't think we will be collaborating again. How such a silly thing can put such a damper on a former friendship. But you, dear sir, put that huge divide between us.

No love-
Me

Rocking out in the lab...

2010-04-21T09:15:00.000-05:00

I have been swamped with data and manuscript(s) writing. So, today I leave you with a song or two-this has been on repeat for the past 20 min in lab. I forgot how much I absolutely love this band.

Sorry about the commercial in the beginning...but well worth waiting for

And, to end....

I do believe that "Your voice is sweet as salt" is one of the best song lines ever....

The black hole time suck that is my life...

2010-04-07T12:03:00.000-05:00

Still alive, just busting ass...

The "Black-Hole Time Suck" (also known as PowerPoint) nearly killed me last week as I frantically put together slides for my boss's upcoming talk (which I have absolutely no qualms doing since it, in turn, gave me an "updated" talk ready to go in a few minutes notice).

The recent conversation with collaborator nearby made me realize that the two manuscripts I promised to have done by the end of the month (at least in rough draft form) are no way near being ready and there are still some major gaps in the story. I think I know what is going on, but convincing god damn reviewer #3 may be an issue. Although, discussing things yesterday, it looks like he wants to add two new variants to the data set we already have (which means at least 3 weeks before we get any usable data from them and another week to analyze/incorporate them into the story-so I may be able to by myself an extra week or two for writing).

It never ceases to amaze me as to how busy I always seem to be in the Spring, when the weather in post-doc city is gorgeous and being cooped up in the lab all day long is sometimes unbearable. It is like all the planets align and there are manuscripts to finish, datum to analyze and conferences to prepare for. All at once. Not in winter, not in summer. Just Spring. And I am not even teaching--although my two undergrad minions are in the lab. Which, by the way, have to be the most productive and helpful undergrads I have ever had. They both worked on the same project, one starting things on one day and the other picking off where she left off the next day. They greatly exceeded expectations and generated a lot more stuff that I am going to need to finish off paper number three. I have never really "trusted" the undergrads (in general) enough to give them parts of my project that I was eventually going to use. It is extremely hard for me to give up control like that, but it is something that I have to learn to do if I ever am going to be a PI and trust the data generated by my grad student minions. I have to tell you, having them do so well this semester has helped a lot with my control issues. I have offered both of them first dibs on the "open" spots to work with me next semester, and I know for sure one of them is taking me up on that offer.

Research scientist is still a twat, and in the past two days has managed to piss me off, insult me and trash me in front of big boss man more times than I can count. I watch the clock, waiting for 2:30 when she leaves. There is a longer, ranty-blog post in there somewhere, I just don't have the time to write it right now. But, let me just say that goading me into commenting about her spawn(s) latest predicaments does not give her the right to dismiss what I said with the catch-all "What do you know, you have no kids. Although, I am sure you will change your mind on that..."

So, all-in-all still alive, just turning out some awesome data, smiling a lot and putting out a few fires here and there. Unfortunately, I just finished reading "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"--Oh my god, absolutely amazing book, and I hear the second in the series calling me from my nightstand even as I write this post. Is it summer yet?

Ah crap.

2010-03-24T11:52:00.000-05:00

I had an idea brewing for two blog posts. One completely about science (and some really cool science) and one about relationships among collaborators and what should be the minimum expectations from all in the group. Then Big boss man came in with registration and travel info and then I got an e-mail from my comrade in arms in collaborators lab and now I am too pissy to even think about writing either post without it turning into a whiny, ranty piece of garbage. So instead, I will go ponder some data, reread the incredibly cool paper I was going to talk about before and maybe, just maybe work from home the rest of the afternoon. Seriously, why do people have to suck so bad?

UPDATED:FFS...I think I lost my mojo

2010-03-18T17:29:00.002-05:00

Seriously, either my shit didn't work today or someone was joking with me and decided to piss in my reaction mixture. It should not be this yellow, should it? WTF? I would not be so pissed off if (a) I hadn't done this a million times before (b) I hadn't spent 4 months troubleshooting a problem with this stuff that wasn't a "problem" on my end and (c) I need these next few MFP preps to work since I have a very big conference deadline looming in the horizon and Big Boss Man is talking about this shit, so I need data! Pronto!

I won't know until late tomorrow if things really crapped out or if it just worked so extremely well that this is "normal" and I have never seen it before. Dammit. Now I am going to be mulling all this over instead of enjoying the basketball game tonight. I have been looking forward to the game, a beer (mmmm, Leinekugel's Creamy Dark), pizza and hot wings, and some trash talking to my Dad (my alma mater vs. his hometown team) all day now.

Seriously, where did my mojo go? Do I have to start dancing around the equipment and make sacrifices to the biochemistry gods? This is just getting ridiculous....

UPDATE:

The beer was awesome, the pizza even better and the game, while incredibly well-played and exciting to watch did not have the outcome I wanted (one point? one point down with 2 sec left...come on? seriously???).

As for the lab mojo-- all that worrying for freaking NOTHING! Just checked some things and everything is behaving as it should. Maybe it was just that damn impostor syndrome rearing its ugly head? (and I think I know what happened the last time-I can be such a dumb ass and this just confirmed it) Anyways, it is a good way to end the week. And puts me in a great mood for the start of "week from hell" on Sunday. I may just go to the coffee shop this afternoon and plan experiments/read papers since I was convinced I would have to spend the day troubleshooting.

Design and implement

2010-03-17T17:07:00.000-05:00

I popped my head into Big Boss Man's office this afternoon to comment quickly on an e-mail he had sent me about some equipment her on campus. I knew I shouldn't have casually mentioned that I had heard back from one of the collaborator's from far away about a question we had about MFP (Big Boss Man is all about shooting off a quick e-mail rather than pouring through the stacks of literature if, as he puts it, we are collaborating and they use a chunk of our grant money).

An hour and a half later, we have come up with a whole slew of new experiments that, if I do say so myself, are a fairly clever and extremely novel (no one, in the past 60 yrs of research on MFP have done this) way to get some hard-core answers. While I am excited about these experiments and trying to get them to work, right now I am more excited in that I contributed a lot to not just the idea of doing these things, but also to their design and importance.

While he and I "talked" our way through the ins-and outs, for one of the first times, I really felt like I was discussing things with my boss, rather than he telling me what to do. Even when we were talking about what this would eventually tell us (both negative and positive results will tell us something), I could see where his reasoning was going and, like I said, helped put my spin on more than a few things. I left feeling like this is one of those rare moments where we were on the same page.

I always leave his office with way more things to do than humanly possible, but today he made the comment about "Every time you come in here, I think of more things to do and this (these-since now its officially two papers) are going to turn into monsters..." Hahaha at least he realizes.....But tonight, I am going to enjoy the high and begin the nitty-gritty design and implementation tomorrow.

I survived...

2010-03-15T21:51:00.000-05:00

I survived this year's "Girl's weekend"-- the third annual descent of all of Mr. Dr Zeek's female relatives (and when I say all, this includes his 85-yr old great aunt, mom, aunts, and various cousins-about 20 in all) to post-doc city for a weekend of drunken debauchery. While I do believe my liver is still recuperating, I am finally completely re-hydrated and the blisters on my feet from the 1-mile liquor "run" in ill-fitting plastic (but oh-so-cute) flip-flops are feeling much better today. My stomach is still killing me from laughing so hard, and I do believe that dancing at midnight to "Thiller" may have burned a few of the calories I consumed all night.

But I think the most amazing thing is looking back to the stories we shared, the laughs we had and the amazing strength of these women. Mr. Dr Zeek's family is very matriarchal and yet it never ceases to amaze me as to how strong, how together, how amazing these women all are. While our careers are as diverse as our personalities (two dentists, a lawyer, financial consultants, architects, several nurses, an engineer and several stay-at-home moms and I am missing people too)we all managed to put up with the crap, to come out better, to come out stronger, to be sweet and loving and to kick major ass when we need to. These women have seen and experienced death and divorce and affairs and poverty and abuse and the pain of losing children before their time, and yet they all seem to come out stronger. It just amazes me (and is soooo difficult to put into words) as to how awesome these women are and to how incredible they all are. I am just honored to be in their company.

So, while my liver seems to be functioning at normal capacity, my sleep quota for the weekend is severely deficient, something I must take care of tonight.

Maybe this isn't the best idea....

2010-03-11T16:08:00.000-06:00

So, in a fit of procrastination (actually, I am working from home this afternoon-after a long talk with big boss man yesterday, we decided to write two manuscripts with all the data I have instead of just one-- so here I sit trying to revamp the story I was going to tell...) anyways, I digress.

Let's start this again. I decided to peruse the NIH website looking for info on K99 awards and whatnot. That is when I made the fatal error of looking at the application material. I have seen how the specific aims/design and methods sections/etc. sections should look. Hell, I even wrote my own for my NRSA fellowship and "helped" (wrote) with the co-PI in writing for the RO1 grant we have.

I was not expecting to see the budgetary part. Never have seen it, don't know if I want to again. Scared the shit out of me, come to think of it. I don't know how much money I am going to need. I don't have the slightest clue how to budget for consumables and equipment and salaries and ...holy shit. I think this was one big huge rude awakening. I thought I was ahead, I thought I had things down. I thought, I am awesome, I do cool science, they'll decide how much money and just give it to me. I didn't realize that I had to break things down, justify things (OK, I did--I am not a total dumbass--but seeing it in black-and-white freaked the hell out of me).

I thought, no big deal, I can do this PI thing (well, OK, not "no big deal" but at least I have been exposed to it) but it just kind of hit me how behind the eight ball I am when it comes to this. I kind of feel like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo when he would sit there and say how bad of an idea this might be. Can you already feel in over your head when you haven't even stepped in the pool yet....or maybe I am just freaking myself out and trying to run before I can even stand. (Hmmm, what other cheesy-ass cliche can I throw in here...again, with the digressions--focus, damnit, focus!)

How rude would it be to ask Big boss man if I could see our budgetary things? Or maybe the former post-doc turned TT faculty if I could see his start-up budget list (since we are doing essentially the same things). Maybe I am not as cut out for this as I thought. I can do the science. I can come up with the big ideas, I can mentor, but being an accountant, a manager, a budgetary guru...damn, maybe I should go back and get a degree in finance.

Placebo

2010-03-06T16:33:00.000-06:00

While quite possibly a placebo effect, I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in months. The hard-core three times a week Vit D supplement plus the double-dosage of over-the-counter calcium/Vit D supplement is starting to work its magic, or again I could just be imagining everything. Of course, the sun, the 40-degree weather and melting snow may have had a teny-tiny little bit to do with how good I am feeling right now.

But, in all honesty, I didn't realize just how shitty I really felt until I started feeling better. How ass backwards is that?

Either way, placebo or drugs- bring it on. I have piles of data and table upon table to go through and make, sequencing data to analyze, two-intensive protein preps and a "girl's weekend" here in post-doc city with all of the females in Mr. Dr Zeek's entire family that all need to be attended to and finished in this upcoming week. There is no time for being tired.

Thank god I am feeling better, I just hope it's the real deal.

Deficiencies....

2010-03-03T11:27:00.001-06:00

So, everything normal except for vitamin D. Looks like I have a greater than normal vitamin D deficiency that is causing all my symptoms. Let's see if the supplement works (and mind you, tis a great load off my mind....)

And the results are in....

2010-03-03T08:41:00.000-06:00

My health care provider has this awesome little thing where you can look up your test-results etc. online. While this may not be the best thing in the world, the curiosity and waiting was killing me. So, last night I glanced to see if my blood tests were up (remember, my Dr. in her awesome and infinite wisdom-ordered a whole battery of metabolic, iron and other tests).

And the results? Nothing out of the norm. No glaringly obvious levels of anything that could be causing all of my symptoms. Sure, some of the numbers are on the high side of normal, as in extremely close to being out of the "normal" range, but seriously, there seems (at least in my uneducated view) to be nothing wrong. I am not sure how I feel about looking at the test results, though, without having an educated idea of what's going on with them. I mean, really, any Joe Schmoo could look up their results, google things on the internet about the test and self-diagnose. I wonder if they put the results for the really hard-core tests on there as well-like if the tumor biopsy is malignant or not. I mean, wouldn't you rather hear what's going on from the doctor rather than seeing the cold hard numbers on a computer screen?

Maybe that is why this isn't such a good idea--looking at the test results without actually knowing what I am doing.

So, it looks like I am a lazy hypochondriac who just needs to get off my ass and suck it up. Not that I am bummed that there is nothing wrong with me, I just want to stop feeling like shit and get on with my life, like I was 2 months ago. Right now, I feel like a loser (not that, again, I wanted something to be wrong with me, but I want to know why I feel like crap!)

The actual Dr. appointment is in an hour. Maybe she has some other ideas.

Exploiting my undergrads...

2010-03-02T12:42:00.000-06:00

I have two undergrads working with me this semester. Both are returning, one is doing this for credit, one for the "experience." I have them both working on a subset of my bigger project (basically the rudimentary molecular biology) and it works nicely since they come in on different, but consecutive days, so the one can finish up what the other started.

The problem, well OK, not problem, but the issue is that a lot of the stuff they do is "hurry-up-and-wait" type of experiments. Set up the PCR, wait three hours, add some water and go home. I have told them that they can sit in the lab and do homework and things like that (as long as they can stomach/don't complain about the music--I cannot work in complete and utter silence-my brain doesn't function that way).

Last semester and in the semesters before I have prided myself on not pawning off menial tasks to my undergrads, as in doing my dishes, racking boxes of tips I have gone through, making up some stock buffers. And then, it came to me, that doing some of these things is part of the whole lab "experience." There are days that I have to do all the catch-up work (autoclaving kill bags, pouring plates, making buffers and media, etc.) on the things that I use. Since I am extremely lucky to be the only one doing what I do in my lab group of 3, I am the only one who uses the media, buffers, etc. so if something is out, it is my fault and I need to make it.

I was even a little shocked a year back when one of our former students was making his undergrad rack tip box after tip box or make buffers for him while he was sitting on his ass, stuffing his face with chips and watching TV on Hulu. It pissed me off, actually, since he was a lazy bastard and then had the balls to complain about (a) how is undergrad never takes it upon himself to do these things without him telling him to and (b) how his undergrad keeps screwing up buffers, etc.

But, I guess I look at having the undergrads in the lab a little different now. I want them to maybe not "master" the techniques that we use, but get more of a general academic research lab background. Things like knowing how to make media, or do a mini-prep or run a Ni2+-column. Things that will help them if they go to grad school or are a tech or anything along those lines. And, I guess part of that is just lab up-keep. I realized yesterday and today that having my undergrads make up the 20 L growth culture, or racking tips or making media is not exploiting them at all, and in fact rather than doing homework, they wanted to do all the putzy shit in the lab that I have let fall to the wayside (I do that sometimes--get wrapped up in the data, forget to do everything else). It's not exploiting them if they are willing, is it? I will have to admit, though, I haven't made them do my dishes yet. I have a hard enough time getting them to do their own....

Vampires

2010-02-25T14:49:00.000-06:00

The ~~vampire~~ phlebotomist took the necessary vials of blood for preliminary tests before the big Dr. appointment next week. Seriously, 6 vials. Thank god my doctor is awesome and is testing for a myriad of things, rather than just chalking this up to smoking, or the weather or me being crazy. My arm is killing me, though, and I am now sporting a large purple bruise. Good thing I love the color purple.

Going to work from home for the rest of the day, it just seems like my concentration is next to nothing lately. Maybe the change of scenery will help.

To post-doc or not to post-doc....

2010-02-22T19:49:00.001-06:00

Two posts in one day, can you tell I am putting off looking at the monstrous data sets I ahve? Phdamned (who I absolutely love and reminds me so much of myself just a few years ago) posed a list of questions about being a post-doc and, I have to tell you, this post has been stewing in my mind since she posted it. Tonight is a good night for me to finally sit down and do this since it's a good reminder to myself as to why I am doing this all (can you also tell I am in a bit of a funk with the data and the feeling like crap). So, here goes.

Why did you decide to do a postdoc?

There is a few reasons why I decided to do a post-doc. The first is that someday I want to run my own lab. I want to be able to come up with the big ideas, to study what I find fascinating, to ask the questions that I have always wanted the answers to. In my field, there is no way to do this without having a post-doc. I want to have a lab of grad students/undergrads/scientists who I can inspire and get excited about science. I do love talking about it, about the data, about the puzzles, figuring things out and I want to share that. I also knew that the work I did in grad school was ok, there was no way on god's green earth that I would spend the rest of my life working on what I did. I wanted to go into a more biologically related field, rather than doing chemistry for the sake of doing chemistry. The only way I could do that was to find a lab that was doing the type of research I wanted to do (even only marginally related to what I did) and hoped that they saw enough potential in me to hire me on. But in all honesty, I couldn't see myself doing anything else. There was no way I was ready to run a lab or do anything along those lines without doing more/training more.

What do you think the primary purpose of a postdoc is in terms of research?

Personally, I look at it as a chance to learn as much as I can about everything I can. Ohhh, scientist A is running technique I have never seen before, can I watch? Its a time to learn how to think as an independent scientist, not as a yes-man. Its a time to make the leap from doing what your PI tells you to do to thinking like a PI. To look at doing experiments from the point of telling a story, filling the holes, rather than just getting the data out. Of course, getting as many papers out (first-author in good journals) is the most important part, but I think all of the other stuff goes along with that.

A non-research thing, but somewhat related--get your name out there. Go to conferences, present posters, introduce yourself to others after talks, schmooze a bit, talk to everyone you can. These are the poeple who are going to be reviewing your papers and eventually your grants and future collaborator's (or competitors). While your science needs to stand on its own merit, having people know who you are does help.

How did you go about contacting potential postdoc PIs?

It was about 12 months before I was "ready" to graduate when I hit the internet and started looking for possible post-doc labs. I found a bunch (about 30 in all) and started writing cover letters/CV's for each lab, highlighting how my previous experiences in grad school would fit really well into what they were doing in an unrelated field. I sent out a cover letter, CV and copy of my latest published manuscript in the mail (yes, in the mail...there is something to me about sending something like this in the mail--maybe I felt like I was putting in the extra effort? I don't know...I could be wrong). and waited. and waited. I heard back from about 15 of the PIs, most saying they weren't sure about the funding and had two solid offers. The day I was going to accept the offer in lab far away, I found out that the top PI (the one who I worked for now) had called my reference and wanted to set up an interview. Although, interview was somewhat of a loose term. I went out there, met the lab members, talked about the project he would put me on if I was to come here, and then offered me the job. I was elated! So, 30 unsolicited applications, two solid offers.

Does the name of the PI or the university have more impact on your future (or do neither since your publication record will speak for its-self)?

For me, it's both. My PI is a big name in the field, which means I get introduced to all his contacts. The university I am at is great, which I think really helped with getting the NRSA fellowship. Really, though, int he end, I think its 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. The more people your PI knows and is willing to introduce you too (which is KEY to the whole thing) and the better off his reputation is, the better off I think you are when you apply for the next job.

For the PIs, what do you look for in a postdoc?

Just need to add what the big boss man told me once. He took me on because I was willing to learn, work hard and had a great reference. Nevermind the fact that I was swtiching to a field that was completely on the opposite end of the spectrum from what I did in grad school. He saw soemone who was trained to think like a scientist and new that I could learn the basics later.

So, the pregnant thing I can't help with, since I never have been nor never will be. But I will tell you this. While being a post-doc has its ups and downs, and while people always will complain about not getting paid enough for what we do or for how much training we already have, I have learned more, seen more, done more and have had my name recognized more in the past two years than in my entire grad school career. And, ont op of that, I get to come in and do some hot science everyday and figure out the answers one step at a time. DOing a post-doc where I am and with my PI was the best decision (OK, second best---saying "yes" to Mr Dr Zeek when he was on one knee was the first best decision) in my life. But, I guess the best advice I have is to just go balls-to-the wall and do it.

Coaxing out the right answers...

2010-02-22T13:08:00.000-06:00

I have been toiling away at what should be some simple assays which should, in theory, give some simple answers to basic questions about my favorite protein.

Alas, the "simple" solutions are definitely not the right ones. There is some crazy things going on, all of which are completely plausible, its just not as simple as my boss or I thought it would be. I like the complications, the multiple variables, the intricate puzzle. In a way, it just seems to ascribe even more awe to the well-oiled machine designed by nature to carry out several simple tasks in the cells. Humbling, really.

The answers are all there, I just need to ask the right questions.

Maybe it's time...

2010-02-21T11:25:00.000-06:00

I have come to the realization that I need to go to the doctor. I am not depressed, it is not the weather, I am not pregnant, and I have been eating healthy (just to put that out of the way). I know I am older than I was in grad school and undergrad, but really, that shouldn't account for the extreme fatigue (sometimes, I can barely find the energy to get up and out of the chair) and just general feeling of crappiness I have had for the past few months. Yes, I am stressed out, but it's the low level stress-- no severe anxiety, nothing like that. I push through the tiredness, and my work is not suffering, but seriously I come home from the lab and want nothing more than to not move from the couch. I sleep 9 hrs a night (I know, but I cannot function on less lately--I used to be able to function on 6 in grad school) and wake up and could still sleep more. No appetite, I eat only to stop the dizziness/light-headedness that I feel every 3 or 4 hours (which goes away when I eat something). And its not being dehydrated, I drink 2-3 liter bottles of water a day (just at work, mind you...I always have water around-- always somewhat dry-- but that could be from the smoking). This has been going on for at least 6-8 months, but has been getting worse, or at least more noticeable, in the last 2 months or so. And nothing has changed in the past two months. I just hate feeling like crap. And I am almost worried that going into the Dr. they won't find anything wrong and its just something that I have to deal with (mainly that I am a lazy hypochondriac)...maybe I will just bite the bullet and make an appointment today. After I take a nap.

Varying degrees of suckage....

2010-02-04T21:36:00.001-06:00

Things in the lab had not been going well for Dr. Zeek lately.

For the past four months, I have been troubleshooting, working, reworking and trying to optimize something that had previously worked beautifully. Granted, I had swapped out a teeny-tiny part of the whole for a new and improved part of the whole. The new piece would ultimately be more efficient, cheaper and overall, would make my life much easier. Or, so I was guaranteed by my collaborator.

When the troubles started, I immediately called up Dr. Collaborator and was assured that there were no problems with the piece in his lab whatsoever. Nope. None. Nadda. Things were fantastic with the new piece. Hmmmm....

Wondering why I sucked so bad, I began to systematically change everything and anything that I could think of which would have some effect on the piece of the whole. Buffers, columns, resins, time, temperatures, the super-secret voodoo dance. I was ready to start sacrificing bacterial cultures to the molecular biology gods, thinking somehow I had pissed them off. While the whole was technically working with the new piece, it was working at only 10 % of what I had before. "Isn't that good enough?" asked Dr. Collaborator.

No, it wasn't. Not when I knew it was capable of being so much better. Not when I knew what this thing could do. Not when I had already tasted the sweat success. So I kept plodding along, tearing out my hair, dragging myself to the lab and wondering, still, why I sucked so goddamn bad.

That was, until I saw the "internal memo" from a friend. Seems Dr. Collaborator had mentioned that they (as in my friend and the rest of those she trains in that lab) should switch back to the old piece since...da-da-dum! the new piece wasn't so hot after all.

Not going to lie, I died a little inside when I realized that because I trusted what he was saying, because I put so much stock in what he was saying, because I doubt every single thing that I do before I even begin to question someone else's work, because I am a moron, I lost four months of time and countless hours of sleep, and gained not only several gray hairs from the worry and stress but also renewed that horrible feeling of suckage that I thought I would never feel, or at least feel as strongly, once I left grad school. But that, in the great grand scheme of things, isn't the worst. I lost so much confidence in what I was doing, in what I have and can do in this lab that I was seriously questioning all the other data, papers and everything else I had done from day one. That, to me is the worst. I already have a case of impostor syndrome, I don't need someone else adding to it by not giving me all the information.

But tonight, looking at the data from the last two days, things are back to normal. Things are back to where they were four months ago, when I had optimized all this stuff before. So, all in all I am feeling fantastic. Its not like I have made any great strides, its not that I have data to submit in a manuscript (because really all of this is just a means to an end), but I am back in business. And, I am realizing I am not as dumb as I think I am. That is why I am in a great mood tonight. And why I poured myself a whiskey and Pepsi (yes, I said Pepsi because folks, Throwback Pepsi made with real sugar is like liquid crack--now if they would only bring Crystal Pepsi back...Oh mylanta), and why I am letting myself sleep in an extra hour tomorrow morning. Because while I usually do suck, I just don't suck as bad as I thought. I think. Maybe. We'll see. Sometimes, you have to realize that it may not be you screwing up, that other people are just as likely to fuck up as you are. I think, for the first time in four months, I will sleep good tonight. Things may start looking up soon.

Cylons and toasters and caprica oh my...

2010-01-29T20:07:00.000-06:00

Ok, so it's not Battlestar Galactica , but Caprica may help fill that void on Friday nights when only sci-fi geekiness, toasters, cylons and intergalactic romance will do. And, is it just me, or does alessandra torresani remind you of Zooey Deschanel?

Breathe in, breathe out...

2010-01-19T17:35:00.000-06:00

Took a CPR class today (with the associated AED training). Glad I did. Not that I ever want to have to use it, but I feel prepared now. Good thing since my PI just turned 80 last week.

I still don't understand how giving someone mouth-to-mouth will help them get oxygen, though. Isn't our exhilations mostly CO2?

Anyways, I have additional blog fodder which ties into yesterday's rant (once again, I go for months with no issues--although this may not be gender related) but I am too tired right now. Doing a whole bunch of chest compressions did a number on me today.

Car repair and gender relations 101

2010-01-18T19:55:00.000-06:00

For the most part, I don’t have to deal with the fact that I am a female in a male-dominated field, meaning it’s not thrown in my face at every, single turn. There is an underlying anxiety I have when I am giving a presentation to a mostly male audience, though. I wonder if my science will be taken seriously because I am a woman, or if they are staring at my slides or at my somewhat ample bosom. Do I look too “girlie” and therefore cannot be taken seriously? I know, I know, it may be a tad extreme, but it’s something that runs through my head all the time when I first get up there, but then the coolness of my science, the awesome data and the really cool story I have to tell takes over and all those thoughts fly out of my head.

Yes, I have had my run-ins with blatant sexism in both graduate school and in my post-doc. My friend accused me once, of playing the “sweet, innocent girl” routine when I was asking my boss something. I do, occasionally catch myself doing that as well. Not so much as being the “poor, helpless female” but being a little more sugary than normal. There are also rare occasions when the bitch mode comes out in front of my boss as well. And for that, I have earned the “feisty” title from my boss.

Still, sometimes the blatant disregard or dismissal by a male because I am a “girl and don’t know anything about [insert “manly” subject here]” still takes me by surprise. Today, for example. My little POS car has not started for about two weeks now. With the extreme artic temperatures, wind and snow, it comes as no surprise. Mr. Dr Zeek and I decided to try starting it one more time, since, for the first time in about ten days, it has been sunny and above freezing. Of course, we tried to start the car, threw our hands in the air and decided to call the towing company to get the car towed to the mechanic.

The roadside assistance showed up and asked for our membership card. Since I made the call, I handed mine over (which, by the way, does carry the Dr. title- one of the few pieces of identification that I have that does). He read it, gave me the once over, and proceeded to ask Mr. Dr Zeek if he could try starting the car. OK, no big deal. Even though it’s technically my car (actually, all of our cars are in my name so they are all mine) Mr. Dr Zeek and I make the decisions together. Once he got our car started with the mega-super battery booster (which I now want one of), he proceeded to explain to Mr. Dr. Zeek what he thought was wrong with the car. When I chimed in a few times, he answered/retorted to what I said while still directly staring at Mr. Dr. Zeek! Not once did he address me, not once did he even acknowledge my existence. I could have danced the Macarena around him and he would not have noticed what I was saying. Of course, I thought, I am “just a girl” there is no way that I know what a carburetor is. And, when I pointed out the Mr. Dr. Zeek was mistaken, that my car indeed have fuel-injectors instead of a carburetor, the man looked at him and blatantly repeated what I just said, stood in front of me, and continued to show Mr. Dr. Zeek things under the hood while blocking my view, nearly pushing me out of the way. It was so unbelievably infuriating!

He finally left and we drove the car to the mechanic. On the ride back, I asked Mr. Dr. Zeek if he caught the whole exchange. “What, honey? That you are (sarcasm by Mr. Dr. Zeek inserted here) just a girl and don’t know anything? That I am the “man” of the house who can’t even get the car started?” He grinned a bit, knowing that things like this piss me off. “At least, in this douche bag eyes, honey” Mr. Dr. Zeek continues on “you have an excuse since you are just a silly girl. I, on the other hand looked like a bigger ass since I was the man who didn’t know any better…” Unfortunately, while Mr. Dr. Zeek was trying to make me feel better, he really didn’t do a good job. Just because I wear make-up, tweeze my eyebrows and take a half-an-hour to get ready in the mornings does not mean I am automatically mechanically deficient and stupid when it comes to cars. Granted, I can’t change a spark plug, but I can change a flat tire and my own oil.

It just pissed me off today. It's one of those things that has a tendency to rear its ugly head every once and awhile. For me, it’s (sexism, blatant dismissal just because I am a woman, whatever you want to call it) not something that is always in the fore-front of my mind, but rather, has a tendency to sneak up and slap my in the face. Maybe I am blowing it out of proportion, but I hate feeling like “I’m just a girl” like its not enough, like it’s a bad thing, like I am incompetent at everything except cooking, cleaning and bearing children. Maybe I will take a basic auto-repair class over the summer.

Being a student again....

2010-01-17T19:14:00.000-06:00

I am auditing a class this coming semester. I know, I know, but part of the fun of being a post-doc is the training. That and I am hoping to look at this from a soon-to-be professor point of view. How the classes are organized, what's important, is there any material/antecedents/jokes I can pilfer for later use, etc. (Hey, I am still learning the ins-and-outs of the field-give me a break). Anyways, I decided that, since classes start next Tues, I would start perusing the first chapter, maybe take some notes, read a few papers, and broaden my horizons.

I have not "studied" since the first few years of grad school (so, let's say 4-5 yrs ago), and I am sorely out of practice. And I think my attention span has greatly diminished. How is it that I used to be able to sit for hours, actively studying and learning, at time and now I can barely get through a paragraph without being distract….oh, look shiny things....

Hmmm, does it do that everytime?

2010-01-14T08:49:00.000-06:00

This is how I feel today. Rerunning some experiments from the other day, trying to figure out if this thing really happens everytime or if it was a fluke. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Sometimes, I feel like I am just banging my head against the wall when the answer is right there in front of my face.

Over do it much?

2010-01-12T19:12:00.000-06:00

Worked out this morning for the first time in awhile. (Medication for my migranes had zapped every ounce of energy I had--better now).

I digress. Let me start again. Worked out this morning for the first time in awhile. Cannot lift my arms above my head and even keeping upright to type this post is a chore. I was fine until about 4:00 or 4:30 this afternoon, then, like a ton of bricks, tired, exhausted and oh so sore. But a good sore.

what the hell am I supposed to do?

2010-01-01T16:42:00.000-06:00

I agreed to stand up in Mr. Dr Zeek's cousin's wedding 6 months ago. While not extremely close (i.e. we don't sit up at night sharing girly secrets-but she is a chemistry nerd too and we have bonded over the years-- bonded, ha-ha that was funny) I really like her and was extremely honored to be asked to stand up in the wedding.

The wedding is this June and the dresses, shoes, and various sundries have already come in. I am fully committed to this wedding.

And then, last night it hit me. My little (and only) sister is graduating from High school this year. Class of 2010. Anyone see the problem yet? Let me fill you in. Graduation's are generally in June. Second week in June. As in the second week of this coming June.

In a shear panic, I called my mom this morning and confirmed that the wedding and the graduation are on the same date, an hour apart. Wedding at 1:00 and graduation at 2:00, about 90 miles away. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

My mom suggests I bail on the wedding (of course). Mr. Dr Zeek thinks I can't bail on the wedding (only because I am standing up in it....if we were just guests, we would have completely skipped the wedding or showed up late or whatever and been front and center at graduation....). I have yet to talk to my sister.

Anyone figure out how to clone someone so I can be in two places at once?

What a way to start the New Year.

Skipping the holidays...

2009-12-30T16:59:00.002-06:00

I love my family because I have to love my family. They, and the associated drama, have a tendency to drive me up the wall, but I deal with it because I have known nothing else. In fact, until I met Mr. Dr Zeek and his associated family (which is quite large in comparison) I didn't realize the full extent of my family's dysfunction. Not that I grew up in squalor, not that I was ever afraid to go home, but there is a lot of things that just weren't right, to put it mildly.

Now that I have grown up and have a family of my own (hey, a fur-kid still counts as a kid), I realize that I don't have to be pulled into the mundane drama that seems to follow my immediate family around like the proverbial black cloud. In a fit of despair, I (ok, "we" since I am in an equal opportunity marriage) decided to run away for the holidays. In early October, Mr. Dr Zeek and I booked our tickets and hotel rooms for Las Vegas. We were skipping Christmas this year.

After pushing the "confirm" button, I felt empowered. I was doing something "naughty". I was going against the grain, I was going to be out of town during one of the busiest (and most "cherished" in my mother's eyes) holidays. But honestly, the thought of visiting four families (my mom's side, my dad's side and the same for Mr. Dr Zeek's family) in two days made me cringe. I just couldn't do it this year. And Mr. Dr Zeek was in full, if not more than full, agreement.

So we headed out from the land of snow and ice to the land of excess. We had been there once before when we were Mr. and soon-to be Dr. Zeek (I was neither a Zeek nor a Dr. at the point) but due to that tiny little thing called a wedding, we had little time to walk around Vegas and enjoy the sites, food and drink (since neither of us gamble). This time, though, was different. Walking around, looking at the lights, the glitz, the glam, it was amazingly awesome, and not too mention one of the most relaxing holidays ever. No drama. No bullshit. No guilt-trips. Best. Christmas. Ever. Well, OK maybe not as good as the Christmas when I got the Cabbage-patch kid Big Wheel I had been lusting after, but it was damn close.

While Mr. Dr Zeek's family understood why we were skipping the holidays this year, our free pass was good for this year and this year only, which means next year we have to travel the 90 miles, endure the fake smiles, laugh at the horribly corny jokes and remind my grandmother that I am not that kind of doctor and have no idea what that lump on here right toe is or why the snake oil she bought doesn't seem to be doing anything for her arthritis. But, my dear friends, it was good while it lasted.

Obsession (and other randomness)

2009-12-13T10:29:00.003-06:00

I have to admit, I have a slight case of OCD. M&M's (and skittles) must be arranged by color and put into even rows before consumption, at dinner, mashed potatoes and gravy must never touch the other things on the plate and all of one thing has to be eaten before moving on to the next (which is why KFC's chicken bowl made me cringe), books on the bookshelf must be arranged by height (not alphabetically) and all the spines must line up, when taking pipette tips out of a box, they must be removed in lines, starting with the right hand corner, and so on and so on.

My obsessiveness also extends into experiments. I want to make sure they are done "right" whether that means running more points for a double reciprocal plot or running at a ton of different concentrations. When bigboss man suggests to run a four-point plot, or check things at three concentrations, a little part of me dies inside. And, its something I think I may need to get over. Its hard for me to run a "quick-and-dirty" check on something to see if its worth pursuing further. Now, mind you, things don't usually work on the first try. In fact, I have a "rule of three" in my lab- the first run gets you used to the experiment and almost never works as plan, the second run gets you "some" usable data, but usually entails working out the small glitches and the third and subsequent runs are the ones which you can usually trust.

And it has backfired on me a few times. Once, when working on a extremely complex form of inhibition, bigbossman looked at me and said there is "too much data" and it is making things confusing. So now, I have to change the way I present things to him so that it doesn't look so confusing.

There is another form of obsessiveness that appears to take things over. Since I have no little Dr. Zeeks running around and Mr. DrZeek is pretty self-sufficient (ok, so I do most if not all of the cooking-but he know how to order from the pizza place) I have a tendency to spend a lot of time in the lab. A lot. Not as much as some people (my brain cuts out after about 10 hrs of solid lab work-- people there for 12-15 hrs a day are freaking superhuman in my eyes), but enough that I come home exhausted. And spending a Sunday afternoon in the lab (after football that is) is nothing for me. Mr. DrZeek has no problems whatsoever with it, but still, I feel guilty. But I enjoy what I do, and I have some hobbies. I just seem to spend an inordinate amount of time in the lab and working from home, for that matter. My parents have recently said that I was selfish, self-centered and obsessive when it came to work. Because I am trying to make a name for myself, publish as much as I can and just do really cool science. Is that so wrong?

Oh my goodness...

2009-12-01T21:18:00.003-06:00

I have been "blogging" so to speak for over a year, and nothing in the past months. Things have been absolutely crazy stupid busy (emphasis on stupid) and I have so much pent up that I just need to start blogging regularly again. I actually have a good post in mind for obsessiveness in the lab. Tomorrow night...

Oh yeah, forgot. Today is the first official day of my fellowship. I am officially an NIH-funded post-doc fellow. Funny, I don't feel any different.

Dear self....

2009-09-29T12:52:00.006-05:00

Dear Self--

Well, it looks as though you have gotten yourself stuck in a somewhat precarious position. Just do the experiments, don't let anyone except Big Boss Man know what you are doing, write the paper and let him decide what he wants to do with it. Isn't that why they pay him the big bucks (and he pays you to do what you are good at?) At this point, is it really worth arguing with research scientist about her data, her manuscript-that of course just needs tweaking-and how this is going to be her paper submitted this year. It is not worth it. You've already talked to Big Boss Man, he told you what he wants you to do (and of course your really cool experiments that go with it) and knows that the research scientist is not happy with this arrangement. It's not your fault the data is shitty and needs to be redone. It's not your fault you know how to use really cool technique. Suck it up, shut your mouth and don't get baited into an argument with research scientist about it.

Yours always
Yourself

Dear Research Scientist-

First of all, thank you for giving me a copy of the paper you are working on. No, wait, you didn't. Big Boss Man had to photocopy it for me. Ok, let's start this again, thank you so much for including me in the author list of the paper you are writing, especially since you go into details in the methods about the really cool experiment that I have researched and I am going to run. Oh, wait, that's right I wasn't included on your author list. Hmmm...ok thank you for arguing with our boss about where to submit the paper- I do agree that our normal, default (but still very good) journal may not be the best place for this paper and commenting on how long it is going to take me to do everything so we just should submit the incomplete, preliminary data to highly competitive journal and look like a bunch of idiots. No, that one is genuine, you did do that. Thank you for throwing me under the bus, trying to make me look like an idiot with no skills.

Time will tell, dear research scientist, time will tell. And oh yeah, shooting to get out one paper every two years- not so much. You are lucky Big Boss Man is cool and has already established himself-where else can you go where a paper (or short communications) is productive enough (average for our field-dear one- is 1-2 papers every YEAR). But, I know you are busy and supposedly make less money than me (because you pay daycare- that makes no sense in my brain). Really, I must thank you though for bringing out the attitude in me, bringing back the drive and the constant pressure of trying to prove myself. Thank you for not making the lab a motherfucking care bear tea party. I appreciate the competition. Bring it on. Please do not feel bad if I ignore you in lab. I do not want to hear about "tummy" aches or anything else you have to say. Its not personal, its business. Wait, no it is personal...never mind.

No love

It seems that the cold war...

2009-09-22T17:47:00.002-05:00

has begun and I am not even sure what I did to start the standoff. I think I would feel better if I had earned the silent treatment, and yet, I don't care enough to find out which of our several conversations had set off the iciness in the lab. Bad that I don't care, eh, maybe but at this point I am enjoying the silence....

Red and White on the field

2009-09-19T11:20:00.003-05:00

Mmmmmm....coffee, Badger football and a pile of NMR papers to read. I love Saturday mornings.

Wofford? Where the hell is Wofford?? Oh, wait, its "the quintessential liberal arts college" in South Carolina whose "historic trip" to Camp Randall will be the largest crowd to ever watch the Terriers play. Hahaha. We better win.

Owww-Ow-Oww...and numbed nostrils...

2009-09-15T16:53:00.003-05:00

Stupid dentist and his stupid drill and those stupid needles. The Novocaine he so carefully injected into the upper portion of my mouth has not worn off yet and has actually numbed one of my nostrils. Have you ever had a numb nostril? Quite the experience, especially during allergy season where you can't be sure that there isn't a trickle coming out on that side. Couple that with the droopy upper lip and I am quite a sight right now. The shot given at the junction of my mouth (in the back, which made my chin hurt since he was so close to the nerve) has now worn off (thank god, no more drooling) but the ibuprofen hasn't kicked in yet, so opening my mouth to talk puts me in agony. Which is fantastic since bossman wants to talk about data in a few minutes. Bwahaha! Oh, oww, that hurts too... I hate the dentist.

Royal rumble looming on the horizon

2009-09-12T09:05:00.003-05:00

Seminar went amazingly well. My boss was pleased (and is using my slides/new slides I am making him for his upcoming talks in the spring and summer), the audience seemed genuinely interested and all-in-all I feel pleased. All was right in the world.

Note, the use of the word *was*. The research scientist in my lab, who had done some early work on my favorite protein (MFP) decided to "correct" me after my talk on an answer I had given to one of the few questions I had. Her "correction"- as in telling me what was in the crystal structure- didn't answer the questions any better than I did. In fact, her comments didn't answer the questions at all. When I mentioned this to her, she back-tracked and informed me "that this was for my future knowledge" yadda-yadda-ya. The thing is, everything she tells me is for my future knowledge. Some of her other golden nuggets of knowledge include

"You can not use a P 2 to do kinetics"...duh,
"When you use para film, you have to pull it and stretch it otherwise it won't seal" ummm, yeah
"IF you want to go anywhere with molecular biology you have to do this this way..." even though I was training *her* on my optimized techniques

It is always an uphill battle with her. I off-handedly mention a conversation I had with old grad student and laugh about the things he was saying and two days later she comes in explaining the methods/ideas/theories to answer his questions like I am the one who doesn't know what is going on. She can't get past the fact that yes, she has more experience than me since she has been doing this longer, but we are equals. I am not a grad student or an undergrad lacky she needs to hover around and constantly teach. I'll ask for help (preferably NOT from her) if I need it.

But now here comes the problem... research scientist is semi-versed in a technique that I used extensively in grad school. Before I showed up in the lab, she was the go-to person to do these experiments, but now my boss has turned to me (especially since I came up with a really novel experiment using said techniques for our grant and the reviewers just about wet themselves when they saw it). Anyways, he wants me to redo, as he says "these other experiments since we now have an expert on [cool technique] in our lab" meaning me. I also came up with cool new idea that would, if it works, give us the definitive data we need to answer this long-standing question.

Of course, those previous experiments were done by research scientist. And of course, when I asked her about the procedures for securing time/training on really cool equipment at the University's facilities, she knew exactly what experiment I was doing. She now thinks that all of here experiments before are beautiful and publishable and all we need is my key experiment (which by the way, she has verbalized that she has no idea how I came up with the idea and she didn't-I kid you not). So now, we are meeting on Monday morning to go through her data (which I haven't seen because she was pretty secretive about it all- she is really protective of her experiments so that you cannot jump on the paper but wants to know/contribute to everyone else's data in the hopes that she can jump on your paper). So here I am stuck with her telling me how fantastic her data is and how my boss wants me to redo all of it.

And she is running with my experiment. After googling it (I shit you not) she comes running in my lab "Oh, this will work! I can't believe I didn't think of this. I can't believe you thought of this and I didn't think of it..." for about 10 minutes. She then proceeds to ask me when "we" are going to run this experiment and can "we" start at 9:30 in the morning (since she has to drop her kids off at daycare- mind you I get into the lab at 7:30) and then I can watch her do the experiment and then finish it when she leaves at 2:30 (to pick her kids up).

What's this we shit? This is my idea. My baby. My favorite protein. I came up with this, let me fucking run with it. Stay away! But I can't say that. If I do, her feelings will get hurt and she will come into the lab, telling me how she was the one who suggested to boss man to put me on this project, how she was the one who told him this would be a great project for me. Its like I owe her for telling him to give me this project (not that she had the time to work on it-so it wasn't a matter of her giving anything up), that my hard work and busting my ass to get out a paper, write a grant and a fellowship, all that shit means nothing. It was all her. Maybe I should bring her flowers every week as a thank you for having the insight to mention to my boss that this would be a good project for me.

I just needed to rant and get my shit together for Monday. I hate confrontation (I know, get over it) but this is now getting ridiculous. Suck it up, act like the PI-in-training that you are and tell everyone to BACK off!

don't panic don't panic AAAGGGHHHHH!

2009-08-31T20:16:00.003-05:00

My big seminar, which was supposed to be on the 17th, has now been moved to *gulp* next week Thursday with just a casual comment from BigBoss Man.

Don't panic...breathe...don't ...ARRRGGHHHHHH!!!!

I don't know if I can pull this off. No, really. They are going to figure me out.

Blindfold me with dental floss

2009-08-30T14:12:00.003-05:00

Staying up till 3:00 in the morning working, falling asleep at 4:00 (since my brain won't shut off anymore) and getting up at 7:30 am is NOT a good idea if I want to come into the lab today.

Came in to read papers and get some paper work/seminar slides done (while the autoclave was running and the bacteria is recovering-about three hours worth of paper-reading, slide making "free" time). I was fine until I sat down with my coffee. I can barely keep my eyes open. You could literally blindfold me with dental floss at this point. WTF? Two cups down and I am still no closer to being awake then I was about 30 min ago. Where in the hell did the motivation go? I am just counting down until the autoclave finishes-I need to go to bed.

2009-08-28T10:44:00.002-05:00

Birthday was great, the 120G iPod as a present was even better. Two days off (not including Sat and Sun) helped mentally, but experiment-wise, this week has been a wash. T-minus 18 days till the big seminar and a huge to do list is staring at me. I keep trying to bury the list, but it keeps resurfacing. Grrr...how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time (speaking of eating, -3 lbs, but the workout regime went to hell this week-time to start it all over again).

RSVP?

2009-08-20T15:18:00.001-05:00

A first for me. I was just invited to a wedding (ceremony at the church and dance at the reception hall, no dinner) via facebook.

Before or after...

2009-08-19T08:58:00.002-05:00

So, if you know you are going on vacation for a few days do you clean the lab/bench/etc. before you leave (so everything is all ready to go when you come back) or do you leave the lab a mess knowing you'll have more energy when you come back?

I am trying to find the motivation to clean my lab right now- knowing that if I put in a full decent work day today I can cut out early tomorrow and start my vacation a few hours earlier. The problem- I am so damn tired and burnt out I need toothpicks to hold my eyes open right now...

I think I killed a tree...

2009-08-14T13:17:00.004-05:00

So, we (the collaborator A from land far away, collaborator B from not so far away and myself) are writing a review. I didn't realize how little I knew-i.e. how narrow my tunnel-vision had become- until I started looking at possible papers for the review. I think I went a tad "paper happy", though. I have a stack sitting on my desk roughly the size of a major metropolitan phonebook. Two-sided printing. For some reason, I can't read papers on the computer. I like to touch them, smell them (or at least the toner), write on them...maybe it is some weird tactile learning, but I think I may have killed a tree printing all this out today.

Not only is the review looming over my head, but bigbossman asked me if I would give a talk at our seminar series in a month or so since the gradstudents need an extra week to prepare their seminars. Sure. No problem (panic panic panic). I still don't feel like I have the lingo down and that giving a 45-min seminar (granted on my work) may be a bad idea. And the undergrads (note the plural, I have two minions this semester) will be pouring in the lab around that time- all eager and ready to learn...shit. Too much on my plate right now, what with party planning for the sister (when my parents said they want to plan a party for my lil' sis they should have just said "Dr. Zeek, can you plan a party for sister Zeek?"). Almost at the paralyzing point (did I mention data generation has slowed since I have no more protein! GAHHHH! 10 days from start to finish for each one-granted I can multi-task but this is putting me around the middle of September before I have protein...grrrr). Anyone have a hole I can crawl into?

Is it right?

2009-08-12T20:07:00.002-05:00

After 7 years (fall would be the start of 8) the gradstudent in my lab defended yesterday. 3 of the 5 on the committee dissented from signing of on the PhD. Instead, he left with a MSc. Big boss man signed off on the PhD, more to "save face" than anything. Quick background-- he has a first author paper in a decent journal (cowritten with a scientist in the lab who did half the work) and about three other projects "started" (i.e. on table with one number started)-so all-in-all very little work. The thesis itself was not well written, did not have a lot of critical thinking, examples, etc. and data. The talk was horrible (worse than a train wreck). My boss stopped paying him a year-and-a-half ago (at least, yanked his stipend-he could still order chemicals and work in the lab) in a passive-aggressive attempt to get gradstudent to write up and leave.

So, knowing all this, seven years and a masters. Is it right? A former committee member said he should have gotten his PhD just for being there so long. What?!? I personally wish (a) someone would have told him how bad he sucked a year ago (b) they (the committee) would have nailed him to the wall at his annual meetings (which he conveniently dodged the last 18 months) and (c) they would have been harder at the defense because the gradstudent still is arrogant with a huge chip on his shoulder. Yup- wasn't his lack of work, effort, etc that got him his masters, rather it was poor advising. For some reason, my boss told him to try things that didn't work. Go fucking figure- and here I thought we were doing research, not "search"....any thoughts?

43.25 minutes of hell- the aftermath

2009-08-09T12:42:00.003-05:00

OK, so I think I overdid it a tad yesterday. It's a little hard to move real fast and muscles I didn't even knew I had are sore. I think I will have to alternate between 30-40 min on the treadmill and the 40 min "cardio party" until my body adjusts.

On a completely unrelated but somewhat-sciencey note- I really wish the big boss man would get back from his vacation! I am bursting to tell him about the fellowship approval before the busybody in the lab tells him. It's my fellowship-damnit! Let me have the joy of seeing the expression on his face!

Tues is grad student's "thesis" defense. Defense will be the operative word since he is going to have to do some real slick, real fast talking to be able to get out of here with his PhD. I have now moved all of my enzyme out of our shared -80 C freezer to an undisclosed area, in case things go bad and he decides to pull something like this. Is it sad that I am actually worried about this? Paranoid-not so much- this guy is a little out there.

Time to go home and get some work done (and then some working out). Question for the great wide void: does it matter WHEN you work out? morning, evening, lunchtime? and would it be better to work out at the same time everyday, or can I mix it up (I know routine will help me stick with it, but are there any weight loss benefits from say working out in the morning before breakfast OR after dinner once most of your meals are in??)

43.25 minutes of hell...

2009-08-08T12:59:00.007-05:00

So, I started working out today, again. I had bought some workout DVD's around Christmas time, used the "easy" 20-min one on and off for the past few months and decided today was the day to start my full-blown out and out effort to loose weight. Diet and exercise. Diet and exercise diet and ohhh..chocolate..no wait, that's not right.

OK, anyways- so today decided to take the great leap and put in the 40-minute "cardio party" (yes, that's what it says on the box) jam dvd in. Hmmm...party. To me a party brings to mind the images of food and beer and laughing and relaxing, not the 40-min sweat-fest that I endured this morning. It went something like this...

First, I have to tell you that all of the people on these tapes have the perfect body, and the slave driver-- I mean the leader of them all has a set of six pack abs and maybe a total of 2 ounces of body fat. The old guy in the back, though, may be good for a laugh.

5 min in-- OK, warming up, nice and easy- I can do this for 35 more minutes...wait, why are you speeding up we are still warming up...OK, OK, got the groove- no don't add anything to it yet, I haven't gotten the first moves down right.

15 min in --how in the hell do you move that fast. no really, I think I am ten steps behind wait kick where huh..shit I missed that one come on, how can the old guy be doing this he's not even sweating... what the hell

35 min in-- ok, my shirt is stuck...seriously what are you talking about second wind...that came and went about 10 minutes in. and how can the old guy be jumping around like that? and why are you not all sweating? i hope you all die.

40 min in- cool down...ok, I can do this--wait yoga, grab my ankle and pull it where? are you kidding me? how about if I just stretch...ok, done...no really, I am done...

All in all, while the work-out kicked my ass- but that feeling of I did it, I finished it, I feel good...OK, yeah it was worth it. And the shower afterwards? Heaven. The best part of the work-out. I can do this again. I think. No, I can. Tomorrow.

And the results are in...

2009-08-06T15:14:00.002-05:00

An e-mail I received this morning from the PO for the super-awesome fellowship I applied for...

Dear Dr. Zeek-

I am happy to inform you that the individual super-awesome fellowship application has been approved for funding. Blah-blah paperwork blah blah-starting October 1st blah-blah.

Congratulations!

Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously! And the council meeting wasn't even supposed to be until sept 9th. If I would have woken up this morning with my head stapled to the carpet this morning, I wouldn't have been more surprised then I was when I opened that e-mail.

Seriously. Cloud nine? Try cloud ninety-nine. I now have three years to play in the lab and do all the super-hot science I can. So how are Mr Dr Zeek and I celebrating tonight? Chinese delivery. mmmmmm...pork lo mein and crab ragoons....

Place in the lab...

2009-07-22T13:41:00.003-05:00

I realized today that after being in post-doc lab for almost two years, that I have found my place in the hierarchy of lab personalities. Granted, the sample size of personalities is small with n=7 if you count the people in the lab upstairs and the soon-to-be leaving--note: leaving, not graduating-- grad student. (More on that place a different day- I need to digest this a tad more)

I came in as some what of a wild-card. Not only was a drastically switching fields from what I had worked on in grad school, but personality and "style"-wise, I was somewhat of the odd duck. The tattoos (which, I must say in my defense-are completely covered with a pair of jeans and a T-shirt) and the nose piercing coupled with the somewhat purple-ish tinged hair (more eggplant/dark brown) and love of rock music branded me as the rebel and, in a way, shaped the way people looked at my science for the first few months. One of my lab mates even asked the other "Why did he hire her?" This had nothing to do with my track record, nothing to do with the fact that, in all reality I am a personable person, but had everything to do with not fitting the "scientist" stereotype- you know, nerdy glasses, classical music, pocket protectors need I go on?

People around here seemed surprise that I caught on quick, worked hard, and even published fairly soon. Yet, and I may completely be off base and just paranoid, there sometimes seems to be that underlying current of because of who I am, what type of music I listen too, the clothes I wear (jeans and T-shirts, day in, day out) my science isn't quite up to par. My results (not by my boss or collaborators so much--and really those are the few opinions that really matter) are always suspect, always questioned by them. Which is good, since it teaches me to explain why I am right without totally loosing my junk.

I was told that I have a "strong personality" today. I don't know if that was meant as a compliment or not, but I guess I'll take it.

YAY!

2009-07-21T20:08:00.001-05:00

Not that its all that important, but after coming home from a day of hell in the lab I find out that...wait for it...the new season of "Hell's Kitchen" starts tonight.
I heart mindless TV.
I heart Chef Ramsey.

metal status...

2009-07-19T18:56:00.004-05:00

Taking the weekend off (and Friday) has done wonders for my mental health. Although, tonight I am slogging through the rough draft of the intro chapter of someone's thesis. After this long in the lab, how can you not know what a "technique" is?

Funk

2009-07-16T11:15:00.002-05:00

I have no right to bitch and moan. I have a great job, love what I do (although my lab mates-eh not so much) and research is going well. But today I just can't shake that feeling of being bummed out. Beyond bummed out. I have no ambition to do anything here in the lab but I need to get my ass in gear. I have so much to do right now its just paralyzing me. Coupled with the shit storm going on around me (lots of little things that are just adding up to several big messes) I just don't want to do it right now.

Mr. DrZeek is at work right now, and I know if I go home no one will be around. I can decompress (and clean since we are having people stay with us this weekend)-but I feel guilty for not being in lab today. Which is funny, since I work on the weekends and seem to almost always be in the lab. I know, for the most part I am working hard and getting things done, but I just can't today. And how do I explain to Mr. DrZeek when he comes home and sees me there (granted, I am salary and will make up the hours and shit) that I couldn't hack it today, that I needed a mental health day?

I just don't want to be here right now. It has nothing to do with the nice weather or shit like that since if I head back to the apartment I will be cleaning and holed up in there, but I just...fuck. What the hell is wrong with me? Maybe I am just burning out a bit. I don't know.

Three weeks in the lab...

2009-07-14T14:58:00.001-05:00

will save you three hours in the library.

Damn.

My brain hurts.

pyMOL can bite my...

2009-07-11T12:41:00.006-05:00

Figure 1. My favorite protein's active site

No more pyMOL for me. I have now been converted to the wonders and joys of using VMD. Not only is it free but the user-friendlyness of this program is astounding. It, to my knowledge, has the same sort of capabilities as pyMOL (i.e. alignments, distance determination, etc.) and can still be used with python (if you are so inclined).

If you are like me and are not a hardcore crystallographer but still want to be able to quickly generate awesome looking structure figures from pdb files or just want to see the relative positioning of residues in protein active sites, then VMD is amazing...

I have arrived?

2009-07-09T21:41:00.003-05:00

Its quite out here. I am sitting on my screen porch, the only light is from the glowing laptop screen. The hubby is in bed and the kitty has resumed her post as the guard of the night on the beat-up file cabinet placed next to the windows. It, I think, has finally hit that I "made it." That I got through all the bullshit from grad school, that I somehow survived and came out stronger, tougher and smarter- OK, maybe not smarter, but you know what I mean.

Then I realize that that yeah, I made it through grad school, but now I have to make it through the post-doc (much much much more enjoyable for several reasons), then make it through the job hunt, then make it through tenure or promotions or whatever the hell else I plan on doing. Right now, though everything is wide open.

But when is it done? When can you finally sit back, sigh, and say "I have arrived"? Is there one culminating moment that defines the hours at the bench, the days in the library, the years tapping away at the keyboard searching and hunting for that one elusive idea, the one hair-brained experiment, the onepiece of data that not only finishes the story but tells it far better than anyone else has? When, as the average scientist who loves toiling away at the bench, who does basic research on, some would say, not so hot and sexy systems, but who slowly lays the foundation for others to jump off and run with the newest buzz-word laden research, can I say I have finally arrived?

Not yet and maybe not ever for me, because in my humble opinion, thinking I have arrived means that I have reached my ultimate potential- and I don't want to think about that. I want to think that I can keep getting better, keep learning, keep growing as a scientist and researcher. I can never fully understand everything, but I think that I am going to damn-well try.

bad mojo

2009-06-26T20:13:00.003-05:00

After a llloooonnnnngg hiatus, I decided to come back and write some more. Actually, it was more due to the fact that the new laptop finally arrived (seriously Dell- an order on May 5th translates to shipment on June 20? Really?) and I don't really like blogging in lab (too many busy bodies mulling around). Did I mention I now am a proud owner of a pink, yes pink, laptop. And not by choice, mind you. I am not exactly a pink type of girl- the hard-rock, tattoos, nose piercing, jeans-and-tennis-shoes personality I exude does not exactly scream "Ohhhh, pink how cute! and bunnies! and flowers! awwww...." But I do have to admit, its metallic pink and somewhat cool looking and Dell did donate 5$ (a whole five dollars!) to the Susan G. Komen fund so its bearable. And fast. And shiny. OK, enough about the laptop.

The last month in the lab has sucked the life out of me. For the past three weeks we have been dealing with two evacuations due to suspected gas leaks (no, they still don't know where its coming from), a three hour power outage (thank god the -80 came back up OK), the IR-MS going down (but is back up again), a lab flood, no air conditioning for a week (mind you- it was 95 degrees outside and 82 degrees in the lab-lord have mercy it was hot), a -20 going down, and for some reasons, three preps of my favorite protein crapped out over night (flocky, fluffy protein== bad bad thing and angry Dr. Zeek).

I finally ran some experiments today and they seemed to work (YAY), the -20 is still chugging along, the IR-MS is now giving reproducible results, the laptop came in and it seems that the humidity has finally moved on from here. Maybe today will be the turning point and I can just chalk May and June up to bad chemistry mojo.

All at once

2009-04-08T16:14:00.003-05:00

Everything seems to be happening at once. Emotionally, mentally and physically I am spent.

Galley proofs came in for the paper (did I mention it was accepted with minor revisions...minor as in add two references and a sentence or two)...my first first-author paper (ever) and first paper in new post-doc lab

Fellowship app package arrived safely (or so Fed-Ex says) so now we wait

Offer in on the house we are selling- we accepted and now waiting for the official close date (much more blog ranting fodder on this, but not now)

Preps of MFP and mutated MFP are going but draining...

That's all I have the energy for right now. Things are crazy nuts, but god it feels good to be shaking it up again in the lab. Post more later...

Playing hookey...

2009-03-20T12:20:00.003-05:00

Yes, as the last day of spring break winds down across Major Research U, I have decided that in an attempt to keep my sanity and prevent myself from totally loosing my junk in the upcoming days when my undergrad minions come back, I would take today off. Coincidentally, there is an all day long Battlestar Galactica marathon on SciFi today (right now I am watching Gata grow some bals- I never really liked him anyways- Mr DrZeek and I always thought he was a cylon), finishing with the 2 hr series finale, and my fav NCAA basketball team is playing right now (Go...never mind, that may give away too much of my secret identity but its 26-18 at the half- whooo-hooo). I do have my fellowship to work on and some papers to digest before going back to the lab tomorrow (seems backwards, taking off Friday to go in Saturday-but Saturday's are nice, NO ONE, but the PI ever comes in), but I tell you getting up at noon-- something I don't do on the weekends since that's when I and Mr DrZeek run our errands-- drinking some coffee and perusing my fav blogs at my own pace has been refreshing. I think this mental health day is exactly what I needed...

EDIT: oh yeah, went with the hubby to the dentist this morning (woke up at 6:30--got back home at 8:00 and promptly crawled back into bed till noon-anyways, I digress)-they yanked his tooth. Poor babes. At least they gave him some of the "good stuff," too bad he couldn't take off of work (too many deliveries today).

make the writing stop

2009-03-19T13:33:00.003-05:00

I just want to get back to some bench work. Seriously. All this writing has put a damper on my mood (and motivation). This silly fellowship is due in two weeks and I have roughly two pages (since that puts me at the limit) to write. Two silly pages. Although, I should mention that I am proposing some crazy science never done with my favorite protein (MFP) that I only have a minimal background on-and of course this is the research design and methods part that I am putting off right now. I even purified some of MFP this week, just* to get my "hands dirty." Former post-doc now PI and I were talking today and he mentioned how this was great training for when/if I get a TT faculty position. Maybe, but I want to still stay in the trenches and just work on some really cool science.

*Not that I didn't/don't always need more of MFP- probably won't touch it for a few weeks, though....

Mission accomplished...

2009-03-06T09:39:00.003-06:00

Paper submitted.

Now just waiting for the reviews.

The fact that it is my first first-author paper (my PI in grad school would always put himself as first author) is awesome. The fact that my name is followed by 5 PI's (for a total of 5 universities, none of them within 90 miles of each other- in fact three of them are on different continents) makes me laugh in a sad sort of way.

So, what's on tap for the next 6 months??
Paper 1: submitted
Paper 2: chemicals on back order for very important experiments (VIE), but writing everything else --two months ETA till first round of back and forth corrections
Fellowship Resubmit: due in 20-some odd days. I have opened a word.doc file and named it fellowhipresub.doc, but that is about as far as I am right now
Paper 3: bugs are grown and in the freezer, need to go on a purification spree- ETA of data to send around- 4-5 months (if I put this on the back burner to finish paper 2).

I need to get back to the bench today, if for no other reason than to save my sanity....