I'm still here....

and still surviving.....barely.

I've been at TT-position for just over a year now.  The tenure clock has officially started ticking and there are only two years of start-up funding left.  The lab is rocking, the kinks are ironed out, the newbies are trained and it looks like I have my first official graduate student (with another hopefully coming back after two more rotations).  I have lab peeps, I have science going on and I feel, at least sometimes, like I totally got this shit.

For awhile, though, this year was rough.  I had a rocky start and am still finding my groove, my lab managerial style, my rhythm.  I'm still trying to find it, and I am still making mistakes, but nothing that I can't recover from.  I was at a 5-day intense conference last month and realized that one of my biggest problems was that I "forgot" why I was doing this all.  It seems that for the last few months my driving force has been "get the data to get the grants out".  I was getting so bogged down in the "grant" that I forgot about the "science".  I forgot that I got into this to figure things out, to solve the puzzles, to dot he really cool science that I love so much.  This is what motivates me.  And by doing the really cool science, in theory, the grant(s) will follow.

I've grown a lot and changed a lot in the past year.  They don't teach you the day-to-day running of the lab things in graduate school.  I've made decsisions, spent a buttload of money, ordered some really cool equipment and have some really cool lab peeps working on the cool science.  Even with the unbloggable lows this year, I've done pretty well.  And it can only get better.  The mistakes I've made (which in my mind seem pretty major) are all recoverable with some hard work and ass-busting at the bench.  I'm relieved to have survived the first year, no matter if I limped along at a few points. 

So, now I say, bring it on year 2, bring it on.  

Passing on the torch....

I've been extrmely quiet, hoping that things would be easier to blog about once time has passed a bit.  They aren't, but in all hoensty this one particular thing never will.  A few weeks ago, we (big boss man, collegue and I) got back the comments about the paper we submitted.  The one where I am coresponding author. Accept with minor revisions.  I did the revisions sent them in, and word came down today that it is accepted!  But, this is the most bittersweet paper acceptance ever.  Big Boss Man passed away almost three weeks ago to the day.  I lost a mentor, a friend and probably one of the most influential men in my life.  If I learn one/tenth of what that man had forgotten, I would consider myself brilliant.  He had such a love for science, and just wanted to figure things out. I deal with grief by pretending it's not there, or cracking inappropriate jokes about it.  But today, seeing that paper with his name on as middle author and me as corresponding- well it was almost like closure, or passing on the torch.  Mr. Dr. Zeek told me that it never stops hurting, it just stops hurting so much. Right now, though, I'll just keep thinking that the old man would have been proud.

Submitted for the first time....

I'm sitting in my home "office" (really nothing more than the spare bedroom with a desk in it), listening to the  "The Wrath of Kahn"  (Mr. Dr. Zeek happens to be watching my all time absolute favorite Star trek movie this morning) and sipping the last of the cold coffee in my mug. 

I have a billion things on my to do list, least of which is preparing a lecture and finalizing some papers for the seminar course I am team-teaching in.  Even with the mile-long to-do list pressing down on my head, I am sitting back and basking the glow of submitting my first paper with the new address on it. 

While it is work I did as a post-doc, Big Boss Man graciously stepped aside and let me take lead (last, actually, as in corresponding) author on this one.  It's not the biggest deal in the world, but it is the first small step in establishing myself as an independent name in the field.  Now, if reviewer three likes it we should be all good. 

The "quiet" life of a newly minted Asst Prof....

Yes, I have been extremely quiet.  I was waiting for the "new professor smell" to wear off.  I was waiting for a solid few hours of alone time with which I could write a post.  I was waiting for the lab drama (yes, lab drama that was no fault of my own nor of my post-doc but has essentially been tossed in my lap) to end.  I was waiting for me to feel like I am not flying through this first semester by the skin of my teeth.

I'm still waiting.

But, I am not waiting for that last piece of equipment or random chemical to arrive.  In fact, my post-doc and I are rocking out in the lab and things are starting to work.  We have gone beyond the lab maintenance experiments and are now doing actual science!  Which is a good thing since I have an R01 resubmission deadline looming in the horizon (March, to be exact) and need all the preliminary data we can get our grubby little hands on.  My post-doc (who also happens to be one of my closest friends) has saved my life too many times to count in this place already- and I think my biggest fear may be letting her down.

Other than that, things have been interesting.  I am on a search comittee this semester for an open-rank position in a diffent department (yes, it is early for me to do this, but looking at the other people on the comittee I can see that I was asked to help with...erm...diversity)--it is weird being on this side of the table.  Could be that I still have deep-seeded anxiety about the entire process, but I feel a certain kinship with the applicants.

Anyway, life is good.  Even with the politics, bullshit and drama that has permeated my daily life, I can still sit at the bench, play on the cool equipment that we wanted and got and get back to the entire reason I wanted to do this in the first place-figuring out some really cool science. And this place is starting to feel like home.

Done did moved

I have been awfully quiet and promise to write some new craziness about this TT-thing...but Mr. Dr. Zeek, Kitty Zeek and I have survived the cross-country move to TT-city. While we sit on lawn chairs and live out of a suitcase for two more days, I wonder what I have gotten us into.  Things, folks, are bound to get hairy.....

Quiet

I've been awfully quiet around here lately.  Things have been a whirlwind.  Looks like we have a house, a moving date, an OK on the start-up funds and an official start date and semi-organized sample boxes to FedEx ahead of me.  Things. Are. Good. 

Except, of course for trying to leave with my sanity intact.  There are major unblogable things going on right now, but let us say that I have very little patience and completely sick of doing the impossible for the ungrateful.  At least big boss man has been completely and totally cool.

The shitstorm is only going to get greater in the next two months before we pack up and leave.  Stay tuned for more....

And now the fun begins-

TT- position at the med school I fell in love with and wanted to work at was offered.

TT- position has now been accepted.

Looks like I'll be an Asst. Prof come fall (or the middle of summer which is when Mr. Dr. Zeek and I will trek half-way across country to start up all over again.  He's as excited as I am....).

I am scared shitless, reveling in the thought that we "have a home" to go to come this summer and panicking about all that I should be doing right now.  But for a moment, I will sit back,drink my coffee and realize this is why I have worked my ass off for for the past too many years to count.

Rejection letter...oh wait, you didn't send one

I don't understand why it is difficult for a university to send a quick e-mail saying "Thanks, but no thanks".  Honestly, I received e-mails saying "we have received your application package" and so on and so on, but only four of the schools I've applied to have sent out rejection letters.  Three schools were crossed off my list this week since I heard through the grapevine that they have already made offers (from friends who have received said offers from these schools) and I crossed off two more after I saw that they have posted their "faculty candidate seminar schedule" on their websites and my name was not on there.  I just wonder how difficult it would be to send off a quick e-mail.  Then maybe my heart would stop skipping a beat every time the phone rings or an alert pops up in my inbox that someone has "googled" me. 

That being said, the two interviews I have gone on were fantastic.  The feedback from both were extremely positive and now, I wait (again).  Offers from both schools will go out at the end of the month.  One more interview slated for next week (and for which I am extremely nervous about).  Seriously, this job hunting thing is way more stressful than I ever thought it would be.  I just want to know where (or if) I will be going somewhere soon.  I wonder if this is what college football players feel like during the weeks prior to the NFL draft. 

Still alive

In grant hell right now.
On-site interview went swimmingly well.
First phone interview resulted in an on-site interview starting next week.
Another phone interview tomorrow for  *gasp* a non-academic position*gasp*.
Sill 24 schools that I have not heard a thing from (good or bad) via phone, e-mail or smoke signal.
Cautiously optimistic at this point.
Back to grant writing hell......stay tuned for more. Soon. I promise.

Not so stressed?

The twitch, it seemed, magically disappeared once I determined that I had purified active protein in an amount that was suitable for the scientist in my lab to do his voodoo-magic with (which, by the way need to be done soon-- the RO1 is due to the grants office in roughly two weeks).

Still, I am surprised about the lack of nervousness I am feeling.  Tomorrow is my first phone interview ever and Monday I fly out to another interview at a fairly decent university (got the call yesterday).  Two rejections (one via snail mail, one via e-mail) didn't even put a dent in my mood.  Coupled with grant writing and general lab BS, I really thought that my brain would be toast by now and my nerves completely shot.  The thought of going shopping this week for some appropriate interview clothes should be sending me in a tizzy (I hate clothes shopping- especially on a deadline).  But no, not so much. I am feeling very..."meh" at this point.  

At least, for right now.

Twitch Part Deaux

The twitching has increased exponentially as I have received an e-mail asking for a list of time/dates that would be ideal for scheduling a phone interview for a TT- faculty position.

I'm smiling, no really.  Ignore the twitch that is turning my face into a sneer. 

Maybe I should BoTox my eye before any on-sight interviews.....

Twitch...Twitch

When I was writing up my thesis, I was beyond stressed.  Mr. Dr. Zeek and I had moved to post-doc city which was about an hour-and-a-half commute  from grad school city (and hometown).  No biggy, in the great grand scheme of things, until you realize that grad adviser was still having me set up experiments.  I was running experiments until the week before my thesis defense.  That meant a Mon-Wed-Fri or Mon-Tues-Thurs-Fri 3-hr round trip commute to grad school.  This along with writing the thesis, adjusting to a new city and lab (I was unofficially working in post-doc lab before I defended) and taking care of Mr. Dr. Zeek, who had just had major surgery exactly 1 month before we moved to post-doc city, made for one stressed out soon-to-be Dr. Zeek.

This went on for three months and it was three months of hell.  During that time, I =had developed a "nervous" tick.  My lower left eyelid would *twitch* (it's hard to describe, but I could feel it moving).  No one could see it moving until I got really stressed.  It was the most annoying thing in the world.  No, wait, the vertigo that followed (another stressed-out tick?) was the worst. Thing. Ever.

After all the bullshit was over, the nervous ticks went away and I wondered how I got through those few months.  I never thought I would ever be that stressed out again.  Never had the twitching eye again either, or the vertigo.

Life is good, no?

That is until last week when I noticed that weird wiggly feeling in my left eye. Which has progressively been getting worse.  Which has now reached the noticeable stage. Which also seems to come on stronger when I think about job applications, grant writing, failed experiments.  Even the internal debate of "what am I going to make us for dinner" seems to trigger a bout of uncontrollable eye movement.  Now I knew I was stressed a bit these last few weeks, but I didn't realize how stressed out I was until the eye-twitching.

As long as the vertigo doesn't come back, though, I think I'll be good. 

Random Encounters

New Year's Eve always holds a special place in my heart.  Not because of the parties, the ball droppings and the copious amount of liquor.  Mostly, it is because Mr. Dr. Zeek and I met in a random bar that we both frequented, but never on New Year's Eve.  In fact, he was planning on staying home and I was planning on heading to a different locale that evening. 

Fate, chance, randomness whatever you call it, threw us together that evening, sharing an ashtray, and later a shot or two, laughs and stories, at a fairly crowded bar.  Since that night nine years ago, I have always had this mysterious, almost reverent respect for the things that can randomly happen on New Year's Eve.  That being said, Mr. Dr. Zeek and I usually stay home, buy a bottle of cheap champagne (and some OJ for the next morning), order a pizza and watch a movie togehter.  We are both past the point in our lives where we feel the need to go out, get sloshed and barely remember the evening.

Even so,  I can't help get that feeling that something "magical" and big is going to happen this year.  And soon.  Maybe today I am feeling optimistic about the TT- applications I sent out.  Maybe it's the week I have taken off from lab work and the anticipation of planning out experiments that "are bound to work" (famous lat words-I know) next week.  Maybe it's just having too much sleep and my body copes with it the same way most people cope with too little sleep and I am hallucinating.

Whatever it is, I'm kind of digging it right now.  So, I'll keep enjoying my coffee, pound away a bit on the grant and then get into comfy pjs and enjoy an evening with Mr. Dr. Zeek.

May all of you enjoy New Year's Eve (safely) however you choose to celebrate and may all your random moments and encounters turn out to be everything you hope them to be. 

Argh

I do believe that there is a special circle of hell reserved for the people who incessantly talk to you while you are trying to pipette 2 uL of ten different components into eight PCR tubes.  An even deeper level of hell exists for those who are talking about numbers while you are trying to keep track of which tubes you added things into by mentally counting how many times you have added the PCR buffer mix to the different tubes.

I also believe that there is a small place inside this circle for those who feel it necessary to not only prattle on but also look over your shoulder while trying to load said PCR reactions onto an agarose gel and comment on your technique.  Especially when said cretins have never poured or run a gel in their lives.

Better?

Did some "reliable" experiments today.  Reliable as in I know what I am doing and how to troubleshoot and fix anything weird that shows up in the assays.

Prior to today, I had been designing and doing experiments that I was not entirely comfortable with.  I understood the theory behind these experiments, knew what I needed to do but, never having gotten my hands truly dirty by actually doing the harder part of there experiments, I stumbled along the way. 

My psyche needed a day like today.  A day where I am confident in the results.  A day that yielded some usable and interesting data.  A day that allows me to cross something off my list that has been looming over my head for awhile.

Not only did today help the ego, but the results from said experiments are really quite cool.  Sometimes I find myself having to intersperse days like today with the "head beating against the desk" type of days or experiments just so I don't feel like a total and complete hack.  Although, sometimes it backfires and the simple assays and tried-and-true experiments do not behave at all. Those are the days my boss usually walks into the lab only to find me swearing up a storm or caressing the instruments in hopes they respond to that better than my threats of violence.  Those are also the days I  cut out early and hit the bottle of Beam at home and try again the next day.

Semi-happy news on the job front probably helped my mood a bit.  Well, OK, so still no word.  But I heard from a reliable source today that one of the places where I would really like to interview at is still going through the applications.  In my slightly optimistic mood, this means that I have not heard anything from them, not because I suck, but because they are still sifting through the pile.  So all may not be lost.

Nothing

It has been nearly two months since I submitted my TT-applications to a fairly (in my mind) significant amount of schools.  Most of the schools had deadlines between Oct 15 and Nov 1st. Two schools had application due dates of Dec 1st, so I understand not hearing anything more than "thank you, we have recived your application" from them. 

But what about the other 25 schools?  Well, I have heard from one. One. That's it.  Just one.

Granted, it was a good phone call ("you have made it past our initial round of applicant screening, we would like you to have your references send us letters and phone interviews will be in early Jan"-so YAY!").

Other than that, I have heard nothing.  No rejections.  No interviews. No phone calls.  Nothing.  Is it too early to start panicking?


In order to quell my rising panic and motivate my ass in the lab (so, in case nothing comes through I can at least get some more papers out the door) I was hunting on youtube and iTunes for some new music last night.  I stumbled across this gem of a band.  They make me happy.  Very very happy.



And, a somewhat more "ballad" type song...

Seemingly radom oscillations

I started putting together my job apps today (yes, later than I expected, but getting those papers out will surely be worth it when it comes to interview time).  Anyway. I have been oscillating all day between "I can so do this. They'd be silly not to interview me" to "What the fuck am I thinking?  There is no way anyone will consider hiring, let alone interviewing, me." 

I cannot tell you what triggers these manic swings of emotions, only that the low end of the oscillation seems to be directly proportional to the lack of hot coffee in my mug.  Maybe there is a postive correlation between caffeeine consumption and the improvement of ones self-image.  Hmmm.  I wonder if I could put that in my research proposal.  I could then justifiy buying a fancy-smancy espresso maker and the super good coffee.  Maybe even some poop coffee. 

Things I hate...

Well, OK, right  now let's change that to the thing I hate.  Writing progress reports.  I hate writing progress reports.  I have added the pub list, I have the "sections" and now need to fill in all the "blah-blah" space fillers with honest to god text.  Argh.

And, after just checking my e-mail, I will be able to add another thing to the things I hate.  I hate collaborators who know nothing, but think they do.  I hate collaborators who talk to you like you are the stupid one, who can't, after a year of discussion, understand what the basic underlying concept is and refuses to acknowledge that this is out of his realm because, really, he isn't all that smart.

And now, I feel better.  After the last e-mail, I can now tackle the progress report.  In hindsight, the word hate for the report was a little strong.  There are things I hate so much more. 

Website Woes

I spent all day yesterday looking at university websites, trying to find the links for faculty job positions and get organized for the big "job application marathon" I'm planning to start today.  Once I found the actual job posting and requirements, I then hit all the research areas in my division to get a "feel" for the department.

27 universities and 8 hours later, all I can say is that I wish universities would spend more time and effort in making their websites a little easier to navigate.  Really? I have to click 8 (yes, I counted) 8 different links to get to a single job listing?  I wonder if this is how they weed out the applicants.  Only those who truly want to work at this university are going to go through all this bullshit to find the job listing.  Damn. 

Damn you reviewer...wait no reviewer three?

So, the reviews of my two majorly huge papers came back late yesterday afternoon (after only 5 weeks from the date of submission).  There were only two reviewers for each manuscript, and they also had access to the other manuscripts (since we are proposing to publish them back-to-back) so (a) there is no reviewer three to get pissed off at and (b) the reviews are a mish-mash of comments on both papers.  In essence, then, there really are four reviewers? Argh.  It's confusing in my mind.

But the good news.  No, the fantastic news-- accepted with minor revisions.  And those revisions are minor.  In fact, they are more well why didn't you talk about this more.  Talk more (we are already at a 49-pg double-spaced manuscript people) about this. 

In fact, the reviews were the huge ego boost I needed right before I started working on my job app packages.  When total strangers tell you that the papers are well-written and the science is "impeccably done" and "well-executed" and even complained that because there was so much data some of it didn't get the "attention this type of work and data warrants", well that my lovelies was cause for a margarita last night. 

I know, it's only a paper (well, two) getting published, it's not like I landed a job or an R01 or something along those lines.  Still, there is something satisfying about seeing the work you have put your heart and soul into, work you are proud of, work that you think, while it may not revolutionize the field, has totally advanced some of the thinking, be well received.