Mine....

Dear Frantic Collaborator-

The experiment design and idea was mine.  While I do admit it is extremely cool and applicable to the other systems you are studying, this is mine.  Just because we collaborate on one project does not mean you can use my work/labor/everything else for the other things you look at.  I wouldn't have even thought I would have to explain this to you.  I do not work for you, and such, the things I do/ideas I come up with are not fair game for your other projects-especially when you have no intention on putting me on those papers with the other system.  You barely know what the acronym of the technique stands for, let alone how to do the fucking experiments.  This is mine.  Mine. Mine. Mine.  Mine.  Hands off.  This is twice now where you have suggested and commented about putting things in your grant/papers based on my stuff that HASN'T BEEN PUBLISHED YET!  You can reference the papers once they are out just like everyone else.

I understand that when you took the job at semi-cool university that you blabbed about how "we" (I) was going to do this and everyone there got all excited about things and wanted to help-- but this WAS NOT your project to take.  I understand you needed some sort of validation/common-ground/ass-kissing way to get in good with the people down there (who, by the way fucktard-were my committee members when I was in grad school in case you forgot docuhebag- and with whom I have a good relationship with)--but to try to screw your collaborators because you are realizing how cool this thing *may* be (who knows, it may not even work--it is a total hero(1) experiment) and how you now want in on it makes you an asshat.  You didn't realize how cool it was until you started running your mouth about my shit to everyone else...

Remember.  I. Do. Not. Work. For. You.  And using my friendship with your post-doc is a shitty, shady-cowardly backhanded way to try to get what you want.  Neither of us are stupid, which you would realize if you got your head out of your ass- and know when someone is trying to play us.

So. Mine. Mine. Mine.  At least grow some balls and talk to me again (for the third time) about this.  Oh wait, you must realize you don't have a fucking leg to stand on....

Fuck you very much.
No love
Me

Dear Post-doc friend--
We are and will always be more than OK.  No worries. Ever. I don't mean to be pissed and I hope that you realize that I do not define you and other shit by your boss--who is an assmonkey.  Thank you for telling me things, thank you for being there, but most of all--thank you for looking out for me and my ass down there and being the best friend I have ever had.  I am sorry you are in such a shitty situation and I am even more pissed that your boss has decided to "use" our friendship.  I will do everything I can to help you in the next few months, but Fuck him.  Come work for me when I get my TT-job.  Either that or we can run to an island with our respective significant others and open up a bar.  I'm flexible like that.

Thank you again--
Forever in your debt
Dr. Zeek....

(1) Hero experiments: Experiments that, if they work, make you a hero and that, if fail miserably, you never tell anyone you ran.